Just a little sad!! dealing with a few things

Yesterday was two years since my dear old friend and mentor died.  funny the second year brought up more memories than the first year of his one year death mark.  I just know I really miss him.  But i also know that he left earth at the perfect time, and I wouldn't change a thing.  but even two years after Old Bills death,.......... i can still say he was my greatest gift and he changed me in such a profound way.  and my close friends will  attest to that 

Some folks think, because I am so positive and happy, that i must have had this perfect life.... I assure you I have not.  But in hindsight, as I have been looking back on my life.   it truly was the most difficult and dark moments that I would never change.   it was in these times i grew to understand a higher power,  I call him God, it was during these times that I learned to Trust and understand that every second of my life, made me me!!  I am not a religious person at all, and churches are not for me,  Its not that I believe in God,  its that I know as I know as I know!!! My relationship with God/Jesus isn't hurt by other forms of worship, but my relationship is enhanced by others,  those that lean toward Mother Earth,  Buddhism,  Muslim , Agnostics and Atheist   I will never push my faith, or think it's better........ all I am to do is live my faith and believe the good in all others..

I am such a work in progress that is for sure... I recently found out a person that hurt me as a child, and my family has recently died,........ it brought a tidal wave of memories and emotions and recently because of this has triggered some more feelings and memories.   I decided to not run away from this, or sweep it under the rug in my soul.  But to allow myself to feel this,  feel the hate, feel the desire to seek revenge etc.  I know this will take a moment.... but I am being with "it"  and there is no shame.  it's going on a month now, and i already feel my soul winning!!!  because you see,    it isn't given to Us, we must Choose.............  choose happiness,   choose peace,  choose forgiveness.......... you see I am selfish that way.   I am too important to me to allow negative thoughts and emotions control me.  

May peace be with you, and may you find the good in ALL things.

JUST ENOUGH

For about six weeks now, I have been working the hours that I originally wanted..  avg. 3 days a week.  Since I started in October, it seems like i worked fulltime and overtime several weeks.  Covid hit, and then nurses quit, etc.  So i filled in often.  Well our nursing home has been blessed with wonderful LPN and RN hires in the recent months.    I was asked two months ago if i would move my days around as to work it out with my coworkers.  I said yes, and I knew i'd make my schedule work, my weekend off is now the opposite,  and honestly I couldn't be happier with my new schedule.    

I know i keep saying this, but it's true. Right now I am the happiest I have ever been!  I technically have more days off than i do on.  again i choose to step out in Faith, and remind myself what really matters..   the extra money i was making these last 8 months has been really "nice" to have.   but is it worth it.?  with much soul searching, I didn't want to live to work,   i want to work to live.  I am pretty sure i can do it.  I've already had my 3rd or 4th paycheck working Part time  and i am doing fine.  I just "NEED ENOUGH"....enough to pay my bills,  have enough to help a friend or stranger out every now and then, enough to enjoy Camping, Kayaking, Hiking and Nature.  I do not NEED to buy from Amazon every week,  or buy things i do not need.   (*seriously who needs 25 water bottles and 20 totes)  and i may be under counting  ( Shut up Megan! LOL  :) 

I am 56 years old, and unless God has other plans that he isn't telling me,  I plan on staying at Scenery until I retire.    My Dad died at 52,  My mom at 58 and my brother Chris at 56.   I don't think i am dying, I feel amazing, I was one of the very few employees that did not get sick this fall/winter,  my legs and feet have since adjusted to the 10-13 thousand steps a shift and i feel no pain, even the knee i had surgery on.  But I have been surrounded by death, Including my "friend Scott last year" and it shows me how precious life is...  I trust that my future will be provided for, I do not need a man, or a job making lots of money..  I can take care of me.  and I know that my Faith will keep me in that profound peace that  I often talk about

What am i doing with the extra time,     making plans with past friends and coworkers that i had to put on the shelf,  enjoying my Qigong Classes and studies,  enjoying hiking again,  and of course Camping plans,  I would like to start blogging again, I have such a wonderful relationship with my Kids... Katie, Drew, and Sam that I am beyond blessed, and friends like Megan and Christina,  more time to bake and cook keto,  and more time to just Be and count my blessings

And Finally last but not least,  The joy i feel working where i do cannot be expressed,   the patients and co workers, and the administration,   they all make me want to go to work, and make me want to be the best Nurse i can be.    I am not looking through rose colored glasses.........  I see clearly, but i choose to see the incredible good in every single person.  I see team members that truly care about our residents....  my heart is light when i get ready for work... of course if i am needed here or there I will be there.  but i am going to be optimistic that I will not be needed as often.   

This is the best time in my life.........  and I am overwhelmed and humbled with Gratitude .... may Peace be yours in wherever  you're  at in your life 

So bad at this blogging thing

So my last post i think in January i promised myself and a few others that i would post more frequently!  Well how did that go? umm not well.  I am sitting here thinking why not.  after all i have been blogging for almost 25 years.  (* different blogs )   Sometimes i worry about offending someone,  you will always offend someone!   sometimes i am worried because I have so much joy in my heart.........after all so many miserable people dislike Happy people.  Sometimes my thoughts are repetitive, for instance I feel strongly about creating ones own peace.   

I want you to understand my life is not perfect, not even close, I suffered growing up with alcoholism, and divorce, death. insecurity, co dependence, abuse, loss, loneliness.....  and such insecurities. that for a good part of my life,  I allowed these things to control my emotions, my peace, my hopes and dreams.   

Spending several years with Dr Chaudhary and learning his lessons were truly the beginning for Me!!!   and somehow i always trust my Faith to walk me through My Journey....and then i got Older,  yes age and life's lessons have finally caught up with me,    and with this age progression thingy,  I have found Profound peace and Wisdom.

Sometimes I have to reboot,  and back away,  I feel like the Actor in the Green Mile and his famous quote " ... Mostly I am tired of people being ugly to each other,  I am tired of all the pain I feel and hear in this world..."       My favorite place to reboot is camping,  being outdoors on the trails, being away from people and being with God and Nature.,  ahhh my first weekend can't come soon enough!!

I just wish we could be kind to each other,   not so much as to being kind to people we love or think similar thoughts with ............. BUT be kind to those that you do not agree with, or dislike,  or have different thoughts that you.   please understand, we are all broken,  and that person you hate so much is broken too........  we just don't always see the wounds but trust me they are there. And don't let things you have no control over ....control your peace.!!!

Today I choose to enjoy my JOURNEY, and protect my Peace.  have a wonderful day and be KIND!!!

Perspective

This photo shows what silence looks like. Depending on your perspective,   It is either peaceful or depressive!!

I have enjoyed my two days off.  I go back tomorrow but I don’t mind and I am looking forward to it. 

I didn’t realize I am building stamina with my new job,  I mean how many years was I at a desk job? 18??  Today Katie and I went for a walk before she left for work.   And I couldn’t get my heart rate up and I just felt good.  When I had my office job I was lucky to hit 3000 steps.  And now it’s rare if I don’t hit 10,000 to 12,000. 

My apartment is my sanctuary, and 16 months later I still get so excited coming home to it …. Hope that sticks with me.   Today I am really missing Scott,  he died 9 months next week.  Oh what could have been.   Such a good man gone too early.   It’s rare that I feel lonely. But I did today and that is okay.  It wasn’t a punch in the gut lonely. It didn’t throw me into the depths of despair…..just a gentle sadness missing a special friend.    Tomorrow will be a new day.      Please be kind to one another   You just never know what that person is going through    Blessings 

 

Adjustments;

Last year was such an adjustment for me to say the least, but Change doesn't mean bad.... and sometimes at these moments, perceived bad things happen!!  not because the Universe is out to get you, but sometimes as humans we need help with the sharp turns that ultimately change our direction.  it is totally up to us to decide to see the beauty in the new path,  or decided to be victimized by the unknown road,   I wish i had this "wisdom" that comes with age when I was in my twenties, but  I guess it doesn't work that way.  Because i wasted too much time "feeling sorry for myself.    My year started with losing a very dear friend,  Scott, and ending with losing the greatest man I ever knew, My father in law Al,  (just can't put X in front of his name)  Watching my kids and the family let Pappy Al go with so much love and dignity, I am so proud of that family every single one,   This world is not the same with out Pappy Al, but his legacy lives on with his Boys and his Grandchildren, they all carry apart of his Kindness and Love.    

A few years back when S'eclairer was taken over by Journey. I really thought this was where  I would retire from.  And i embraced the job, and so enjoyed my patients... small uncomfortable things started happening during the beginning of 2022,  and  I can remember feeling uneasy, but talking myself out of it....  but i was a roller coaster of emotions.   I sat back and watched a few things happen, but said nothing, but I knew...it was a feeling I could not shake.   it really had nothing to do with an individual person, actually truly nobody else has power over my destiny, I trust God and my Faith so much  I do not question, blame or find answers.   In October of 2022 I left this job in blind faith....  let me tell you, this was very scary for me, and I shed a lot of  tears, leaving Journey, My friends, my Patients..... and here I am working in a Nursing Home,  I can't even express how happy  I am with this move...  I am so Happy and and Peace that I truly don't have words to explain,    Is it hard work?  Hell yes,  as anywhere else is there drama? yup.   at first did my feet and legs absolutely kill me?   yes again.   but none of this matters.  dancing in the hallway with a patient,  watching the patients face light up when they are handing out Halloween treats to the kids,  having the patients call you by name after only a couple shifts working,  holding the hand of an  Alzheimer's patient when they are so scared and they calm down.   it is such an incredible honor to be able to care for these beautiful souls that are coming to the end of their time on earth.....  this job makes me happy.  Not to mention that I fill my gas tank up once a month now,  i do not dread going to work,  my feet have adjusted very well, yesterday I did my first 12 hour shift,  I was worried this would have killed me, I mean I am not a young chick anymore,  but i had no problem ... i am sure i couldn't do too many though. 

If someone would ask me today,   look back on your life.......... what would you say was the best part of your life????   I would say it is Today, it is right NOW!!!!   and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I waste no time in Regret of the past,  and I spend no time Wish what can be in my future.  

May 2023 be filled with Peace and Grace.   May my friends find Joy in their Today, their NOW!!!!!
 

such a beautiful sadness

 it has been such a few weeks........I didn't blog or put it on facebook because it wasn't my story to tell,  and if it involves someone else, i will not post it unless I get permission....My daughter has given the go.

i just erased an entire blog post,  I just can't seem to do it...... I can't find the words.  so let me just do a simple version.

Katie, lost the two souls she has loved more than anything in 3 weeks time.  Her Dog Izzy, who was her best friend for 15 years and her Pappy Al,   first Izzy and then less than 3 weeks later her Pap.  

I had the honor to be with Izzy when she took her last breath.  and I have been humbled and honored to be apart of the Hospice process with Pap.  this man is the greatest man that  I have ever known. such a beautiful man.    and how lucky was I to be married into this family at one time.  Albert and I may have been divorced for 25 years, but there is no doubt that he is a good man, and has been an amazing father all of these years.  Pap has three sons,  three amazing sons, that all share a little of Pappy Al's soul within them  and the strength of Grandma is amazing.   I have been around many many people over the years when they have left this earth.......But in my 34 years I have never felt the love that surrounded this family throughout  the entire 48 hours he was in hospice.  it was truly such a sacred time.  and I thank God for allowing me to be present went this man left this earth......  i will never forget, never forget!!!

Katie loves her grandparents, even more than she loves her mom and dad... she always has, and I am more than okay with that.  but i am so proud of her, and how she handled such tragic times, and how she has found the positive and beauty in the process....    My boys feel the same.     during this time, I came to realize that although Albert and I have been divorced for 25 years......  we both must have done something right, to have the the three kids we do.......... Albert we did good.  :)   and I wouldn't change a second of my life with you.........it gave us Katie, Drew and Sam..     

Five months Later

I haven't blogged in almost forever,  I have been blogging for over 20 years and I miss it.   I needed to take time just for Me to process so much over the past year.  I would say it has been my best and most difficult Journey yet.  But this journey has also strengthened my Faith in a way that I can't even find the words to explain it!!!   My dearest old friend,  Bill has been gone for 15 months,  My sweet friend Scott has been gone almost 7 months. and basically the only career I have known for 28 + years came to an end one month ago on this day.   I am perpetually happy and optimistic, I know some people are so miserable that happy people annoy the shit out of them.  but i promise those people, that  I too suffer at times,  I am scared, lonely, anxious, sad...  (so take joy in that)  The one major, and probably the only component that gives me profound peace, is my Faith,  and the absolute knowledge that I do not walk this earth alone,  I am not religious, nor do I even go to a church,  haven't in two decades.  

I have known for at least six months, that God was leading me away from one of the best jobs I ever had,   I was a roller coaster of emotions, which never really happened to me before.  My coworkers and friends were a little concerned as they weren't used to seeing me so anxious and upset.   and in time I realized that the "conflicts" that were coming and the "issues" that were happening, absolutely needed to happen,  so i could fulfill God's Divine plan for me I was forced to leave my comfort zone,  not because of my employers nor because of a coworker....But God choosing  another direction for me.     

Before i got my new Job,   I was so nervous,  and anxious that "it" wouldn't happen,  I left the only income that I had,  and I stepped out in Total Trust, and Blind Faith,  ....  I never thought in a million years that I would end up working in a nursing home, let alone a Nursing home 2 miles from me, and a wage that is almost double what i was making before,  not necessarily to make more money, as it isn't about making more, but making "enough" so that i can live independently,  I have less hours now, less travel,  and what an incredible honor to be with souls as they are preparing to leave this earth sooner than later.....  A few weeks later,  I am again filled with incredible joy and peace.   I have become so humbled and Grateful....  yes my peace and joy has been restored...  

On the health/diabetes front as I promised my brother Chris over two years ago......  I never looked back Chris, never looked back.   No medicine,  no issues.    Keto and Sugar free strong.    and Now that i am working the 2p to 10 p  shift 3 days a week...... able to again walk/hike on a regular basis.  For those that asked when i would start to blog again......  maybe  I will now :) 

  
 

Living..... in Peace and Sadness

it has been a while since I posted,  I guess I can say my life has been status quo.   I am weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of Old Bills death.  it will only be two months since Scott died. and I notice that I have been missing Old Bill a lot lately.   I don't mind where I am in my life, and frankly I am happy being right here right now!!!!   I am really focusing on my health, and continue to feel better now than I did 20 years ago.....  I am on day 42 of not missing a Qigong session,  If you were to ask me if I am sad?  I would say No.  but if you were to ask me if i am through the roof happy,   I would say No.  but if you ask me if  am at peace, and do  I have joy in my heart.  I would say absolutely.    The world is crazy,  gas prices are through the roof,  so much mental illness and people struggling.  it is more important now than ever before to demand peace for myself. and to live for today and Trust that my tomorrow will be taken care of. .   There is a Qigong exercise that is "smiling from the heart" that i do daily .   Protect yourself from the negative energy out there,  don't let it destroy you.  demand your peace,  and keep the joy. but most importantly don't be the negative energy out there.  be kind to one another, even if you disagree........just be kind!!!  may you have a blessed week.  
 

Death~Grief~Life~Love

 I came home from a very healing time at the beach, to the Sparrow babies being born!!! its a blob of breathing down feathers.   I was worried that the mama, may be more protective now they hatched.  but she must trust me now, as she flew just far enough away to let me get in "MY" door,  how nice of her.  I limit my time in and out so i don't interrupt her too much.  it's too early to tell if all 5 hatched.

The week after Scott died, I had a couple days i couldn't shake it.... not grief,   I can do grief,  but it hit almost like I think depression would hit, it was that "emptiness" that i felt for a few days after Old Bill died.   you know i never even realized until my dear friend  brought this to my attention.  you know who you are and thank you.  In approx. 18 months time I lost 3 very important people in my life.  it wasn't like great aunt Ester that i saw twice when i was two years old......  these are people that were ingrained in my very heart and soul,   all so incredibly important, and all loved completely but in a different way!!!  My brother, who I have known my entire life, that shared my genetic makeup, Died suddenly and surprisingly in Sept, 30 2020.  Old Bill didn't even wait a full year,  He was an OLD soulmate of mine,  the entire time we were together, was in a way prepping for him to go home.   My great changes occurred during my time with him,  He was my best friend,  and my greatest gift.  I always said he was the Sun that stayed steady, so i could learn and grow as I revolved around him like the Earth does the sun.  He was old, and we knew his time was limited.  and this man that I have know for many years, suddenly our connection, our friendship started to slowly and gently turn into something pretty special,  I always loved Scott,  but it was exciting to see where this would have taken us....  we spent so much time in the last couple months, really getting to know each other,  we started to make plans, to go out and have some "old fashion fun" as he said .  But we will never know..  

All loved differently,  all grieving differently,  all in different stages of grief.  add that to the job I do, and the knowledge of how many people rely on my energy...  how many people in Crisis.  how many people i want to "fix and nurture"   and I knew I needed ME for a while.    This is truly the best place I have been in my entire life,  Mentally, Spiritually, Physically.   I am amazed how i am feeling,.   I have a lot of love and energy to give.  but now maybe I will make sure to "put the oxygen mask on me first" before i take care of others........ I think it will benefit us both.

Please be kind to one another,   and make sure you take care of you.

conversation with the Sparrow

  A week or so ago,  I notice dried grass on my door mat, thinking that the wind must have blown it there,  swept it up and thought nothing about it,  Easter Sunday coming back from Katie's ,   I noticed the grass back on my mat.  after some investigating I noticed what appeared to be a nest connected to my spring wreath ( I will show photos at the bottom of this post),  not as a separate entity, but as one connection,  my wreath, and the bird's nest.  This is my only way in my home it's not like I have another door.  I got my stepping stool to look into the nest and there was one egg (now 5)  the Momma Sparrow, flew about 3 feet away from me and gently scolded me, while perched on the railing.  What to do???  She and her partner worked so hard to make such a beautiful home for her offspring,  So i actually spoke with her..  (*yes my neighbors may think i am not right, )  and I told her we could make this work, but I would be using the door to go in and out of my home,  I told her I would be gentle while opening and closing the door knowing her babies will be there.  I told her she doesn't have to be fearful, and to continue what she was doing with the nest and one egg.  I asked her to please not air bomb me nor anyone else that comes to the door.  We have an understanding  now her and I,  When I leave my apartment i gently knock on the inside of the door to give her some warning that I will be opening it.  In the morning she usually just fly's to the railing 2  or 3 feet a way.  and she sits there and waits for me to leave,  I 'd like to think her gentle soft chirp is her telling me to have a nice day!  she isn't scolding me,   I've been scolded by her  before,  She is this beautiful Sparrow.   I'd like to think God sent her to me for some reason.   This sweet Bird came into my life the day my friend Scott died... so I like to think it's a message from above:   I guess a Sparrow symbolizes , Joy and Peace, Perseverance, Simplicity and Empowerment .....  Okay I will take that.

I am sad there is no mistaking it,  My best buddy Old Bill will be gone 9 months.   I lost my sweet dear friend Scott actually on Old Bill's Birthday.  I have had a few people private message me,  Did  I actually Love Scott?  and was he a "boyfriend"   Well of course I loved him,  he was easy to love, my entire family Loved him.   And I guess at my age (55)  what does the word "boyfriend" actually mean?  over the past few weeks, we shared our entire heart and soul with each other. he carried some issues with him, as we all carry ghosts of our pasts.   He asked me 3 weeks ago to be patient with him, as he was coming to the realization of a past issue, and he was hurting from it.   Yes I was falling for him, yes  I loved him, and yes we had made plans to see where the friendship would take Us.   I have so much faith and trust...... that he was to be in my life for an exact purpose, as I was in his life for the same.   I know of relationships that have been for 40 years,   but lacked honesty, commitment, friendship, and love.   and yes i knew Scott for years.....  but it was the last 5 months that we decided to see what happens.   I Thank God for those 5 months,  I thank God for allowing me to know Scotty inside and out, and I will not question why, or be angry why God took him home before we could even see what would happen  I miss him  so much, I can't stop thinking about him and my heart is broken.  but i continue to have that Peace and Joy that  I talk about often...... and by Grace I will be fine!!  today I cry...... and that is okay.

Please be Kind to one another,  enjoy today,  tomorrow isn't guaranteed!  

  

My responsibility ... and Nobody else!!!

I would like to say that "whatever" I was feeling last weekend, just went away the next day......  It did not,  and I sat with it most of the week.  On Wednesday I felt the energy shifting, and today although the situation didn't miraculously change.... My attitude did.  I sit here in my apartment, window open, fresh air,  a pot of fresh marinara and meatballs slow cooking.   My favorite music playing.  and a beautiful storm trying to form.......  I am so freakin Blessed I can't stand it sometimes.  sometimes I feel so guilty.

It really takes a lot of work to find and keep your inner peace.  and to have Faith to see, even when Blind and sometimes you just have to get on your knees and humbly pray!  And sometimes as I have said before,  God's answer is NO, or not yet.  and like a toddler I will have that temper tantrum and cry.  and then slowly once I am over the pity party.  I wipe my eyes, and start walking again.  

My peace and happiness  is nobody else's responsibility, but my own.  I try to talk to my children about this,  as it is the hardest thing in the world to do... but also the only way to truly open yourself to sacred Peace..... the peace that stays even if you're lonely, worried about finances, scared about society, our economy, have bad health, and a million other things.  and the hardest part about the "hardest part"  is trying to see your enemy or perceived enemy through their eyes and not your own.  it is so easy to accept a friend, or a like thinker....     but if not ..... then just watch the hate well up in your heart.......   you cannot have the peace  I am talking about if you have hatred, and fear in your heart....... there is NO WAY the two can live in the same soul.

my wish for you is to not ask but demand from yourself the Peace that  I am talking about.  I promise you  I go through this process daily!!!   Please be Kind to one another,  we are all in this together. the core of humanity all want the same thing....  

Feeling Sorry for MY self

 I wasn't going to blog this weekend, because frankly I  am feeling a little lonely,   I mean no offense to my daughter,  as I adore our time together,  it  isn't the same.  and frankly we would kill each other if we had to spend the entire weekend together,  Thank God for my apartment!  I  would love to cook for someone again, and I don't mean my coworkers and my daughter.  I would love to share an evening movie,  or walk hand in hand on a trail with someone.  Don't get me wrong I love my independence and freedom that comes with that.   I do not really know what has triggered this Sadness,  but  I do know that I will not run away from it,  and today I am having this little pity party for myself.... yes I am feeling sorry for myself.    I feel like that bird alone in the sunrise.(the photo ) I see the beauty around me, I see the sunrise,  but I am flying all alone.   It is funny how hard it is to be patient with God and His plan for me,  I've always trusted Him, and It seems I need this time for Me.  I have had more growth these last 7 months than I have had in my lifetime.  more Sadness, more joy, more acceptance and by far more Peace!!!!    I just don't know how an almost 55 year old  (in May) moves forward,  I guess this is where I must trust God's divine plan for me.  and I blindly move forward on the Trail of Faith.   I am different now, as we all are.   I have to be careful to not let self doubt enter my thoughts.  and negative feelings.  I guess it goes along with the "Pity Party" that I am having.  Please be kind to one another   love and blessings always 

It must be Faith over Fear

It isn't the first time this world has been "crazy" and it won't be the last!  Humans really do not change much,  and we've had these cycles since the beginning of time!  I was listening to an audible talk by a "monk" Richard Rohr.!  and as I was listening....  I thought he was talking about what was going on in this world Now.   there was a crisis issue with Czechoslovakia  and how it was feared that another World war would be fought. ..and everything he said in this talk about corrupt politicians and people in higher power everywhere.........   I was confused for a moment and literally stopped to check the date this book was published... It was 1992!!!  1992   That was 20 years ago.    has it always been this way????   I vaguely remember having "bomb drills" at school,  I remember when my parents couldn't find gas to put in the car. and the lines went on forever. 

I have been in the field of Psychiatry and Addictions now for 29 years, to date ... this is the absolutely worse that it has been. so many souls suffer from severe anxiety, depression, suicidal wishes, addictions, unable to sleep,  so much anger,  sadness, loneliness, and the absolute worse symptoms I am seeing........ is Hopelessness .   If we do not have Hope what do we have???

Fear and Faith cannot live in the same home........  they clash and cancel each other out.    It doesn't mean that sometimes I do not feel fear.....  I do and sometimes it takes the breath right out of me, and if i would let it, it would consume me and every action in my life.... I must make a conscious effort  to remind myself,   that we are all on this earth for just a brief moment.  and 100 years from now..... NOT one of you reading this will be here.     and  for me I Trust that my higher power, my God sees all, hears all and knows all.  and I know as I know he has my back!    With this Faith, comes a Peace and with this Peace, comes a joy and a LOVE from within that cannot be explained.  So whatever is happening in this world,  most of it I cannot control...... therefore I refuse to give it one inch of my energy.   What I can control, is How i treat a person,  I can control my Peace,   I can control my anger and my fear.   We are put on this earth, to help one another, to love one another....   I have said this a time before... but i would like to end with ........   WE CANNOT CHANGE THE WORLD,  BUT WE CAN CHANGE A WORLD OF A PERSON........ ONE PERSON AT A TIME!  be that change in a persons life,  the photo is the new mug i got for my morning coffee...... the words say it all BE KIND.    

Have a blessed day...... and find Joy in Living, breathing and Loving!!

A life time ago.......

 Monday will be 7 months since Old Bill went Home!   I do miss him, sometimes a lot.  some days it feels like it just happened yesterday, but sometimes it feels like a life time ago!!!  I drove past his old apartment the other day, and for the first time  I didn't feel that pang of sadness.  and it didn't even cross my mind that 7 months ago i was there, heart broken, and just didn't feel the sun would ever shine on me again,  I remember that empty feeling and that deep pain and sadness knowing I would never have coffee in the morning with that Old soul again.!!!  Nothing can heal the loss of a loved one, a true soul connection.  but Time...... it takes Time to heal, time to grieve, time to be angry, and time to accept, a time to laugh, a time to cry and a time to reflect.   

I am truly so happy,  I feel such joy in my heart,  and I am so happy that i am here... NOW!!!,   and I will still remember something and I cry.  even with my brother Chris, it's been almost 18 months..   I will see something, or think about him, or have the urge to text him something, and I remember  his Home isn't here anymore.... and I will cry.  but the emptiness is gone.....  and  I smile again! remembering him. and with my brother.......it always ends with a LAUGH!!!  because that is Chris.    

I love winter, always have......... but this year for some reason, I am looking forward to spring... this is my welcome mat and door wreath,  maybe early ......but Spring none the less.     I feel better now than at any given time in my life,  and I am looking forward to getting back out on the trails and getting my camper out and ready.   I am looking forward to Kayaking and maybe this year biking will work... last year I did it a few times, but it always irritated my knee........   we will see how this year goes :) 

I have completely recovered from COVID, I feel 100%   absolutely no issues.  I never strayed away from Keto,  not even a day.    My energy is through the roof,  my sleeping is good, and  I am blessed, in two months i will be 55 years old.....    And I honestly can do more now than i could do 20 years ago.  

God I thank you for your Grace in my life........ I couldn't do this world without you.    I have so much Faith that God is with me, he loves me, and he will surround me always.    Please be Kind to one another, and do not let fear take over your NOW your Today.   Love and Blessings

Quarantined 10 days off the grid

If i wasn't feeling so amazing before hand,  i may have not known I was ill.  two weeks ago I suddenly felt achy and chilled. and had a low grade fever (100.5).  I went to the local clinic to take a Covid test  (*rapid results) and it was negative.   The fever only lasted 24 hours, and the body aches diminished when the fever did.  I did have my annual sinus and ear issues so assumed the fever came from that.  the two things i noticed different was a "burning" sensation in my nasal passages and in my throat, and I felt so tired very quickly.  took another Covid test again negative,    I couldn't pinpoint it but finally last Sunday, i took the At home Covid test and it came back positive.  arranged immediately to go to the clinic had my 4th Covid test completed, but this one we sent out to a lab  understand at this point i had self quarantined already for a few days. 48 hours later i received another Covid Positive !!!    It never affected my lungs,   it has blunted my taste but not completely,   such an odd little Virus,   I was able to work from home for the most part, but after 2 days i experienced a headache so bad my eyes wouldn't focus, and my throat (from talking on the phone with patients) burnt so bad and I lost my voice.  I literally took two day off..... and did nothing but rest, drink my Chi Tea, my ketones and my mineral supplements. it was odd to nap, but I just went with it.  even yesterday I took two one hour naps..... and still went to bed at the normal time and slept well.!!!   I continued with my keto diet , but obviously no heavy bag boxing going on two weeks now....  I am being mindful of my body, and just allowing it to do its thing,  healing me slowly and steadily.... I am glad that I had both of my vaccines.  and I am glad i have been so healthy for so long, I think both helped.     Okay and i must admit,  being Quarantined is bitter sweet.    And  I can see how easily it would be to become a recluse,  but in the same sense this is like day 14 and I am ready to go to the office tomorrow...  I will start with 8 hour days and go from there.  please be kind to one another, and find peace in the moment,  wherever whatever that may be..... 
 

Plugging away/Routine/6 months

Tomorrow will be 6 months since my buddy Old Bill left this earth,  I miss him but in an odd way I have so much peace about where he is,  and I have peace where I am.  The soul connection isn't broken with death, it really isn't.. It just is a new way of learning how to connect, a new way of Loving.  a new way of communicating.  he truly was my greatest teacher, and the way we met, was no accident or coincidence ...  it was a Divine plan.   I am still finding such newness and joy in my apartment,  it's odd,  it feels like a very nice hotel, or a vacation home... there is still such an excitement when I come home, and the energy in this little tiny apartment is so so peaceful.  

I am so glad I am beyond the "keto diet"  and have gently moved into "keto living".   Honestly I can say Keto isn't for everyone, and if you can't give it 100%  i think it is safe to say, and it is my opinion,  that you can't do it half assed.   you can't eat increased fat one meal, and chocolate cake and fries and a burger the next meal.... you miss the concept of teaching your body to use fat as fuel.    but I digress......   I continue to feel so so good,   the energy is through the roof,  last week  I ended up

adding "nannying" to my work schedule. which means i didn't get home for three consecutive days until it was bedtime.  easily left my apartment for a good 14 hours a day.  Thursday was a normal work day,  and home by 5:15.  and this is what has changed in me...... after chilling for a while, a part of me did not want to do my heavy bag boxing routine,  but as soon as I started I felt my energy return... and it felt so good.  I am noticing since i started doing this (first time 1/14,) when I could only do 10 minutes.   and my heart rate stayed in the peak zone 

most of those ten minutes.  I now have to add squats, burpees, jumping jacks, and jogging  into my 25 minute routine, to even get into my "cardio heart rate"   I guess this is a good thing, and my heart is getting in shape.   my resting heart rate has dropped 10 points in five weeks.   my blood sugars are always normal, and i test my blood ketones and they too are always in the zone.  I have no muscle or body aches. I just know my brother Chris is happy, but i am sure he'd find something to razz me about!!!!  i am guess that the inflammation in my body has been resolved by not eating sugar, simple carbs, and processed foods... time will tell

Keto meals I will be making or have made this weekend,  are Chicken Cordon Blue casserole,  Jalapeno Popper soup,  may make chocolate chip cookies, and plan on making Mascarpone Mousse.   the photo shows my first ever Keto Crust made with ground chicken.  my Son Andrew was the "tester".  I must admit i was leery and it sorta even grossed me out...  but all i can say is WOW!!!   Andrew said so far this was the best Keto Pizza he ever had (photo)  If i didn't know I would not have guessed that it was Keto.    the other photo is my basic breakfast when i am home.   2 eggs, bacon, sausage and one tiny street taco size low carb tortilla ....   i am only eating two meals,  my appetite is suppressed, and I may throw in a low carb snack.

so this was a long and boring blog entry,  I know I have had emails asking me what I do, etc.  and I know i still don't post that often.   and this post i touched base on it all

Please have a blessed day, and be kind to one another,  may Grace and Peace surround you. 
 

Crazy busy relaxing Sunday!!!

 What a beautiful day,  I have been going nonstop its almost 7 in the evening, and I am still feeling pretty good. I started making a crockpot full of chicken breast and legs to make shredded chicken for a couple of my recipes today,   and the soup of the day I made was a potato and ham soup, made with cheddar/Monterey jack/ and Gruyere .   there is flour in this as well as potatoes and milk. I will not eat this, I made this for a friend/coworker at the office...  and then i made a Keto Chile Rellenos Casserole for a few of my meals for the week..   and i finally decided to stop after making this creamy chocolate peanut butter mascarpone mousse,  of course Keto friendly and made with monkfruit......   The older neighbor lady stopped in this evening, so i gave her some of the soup......  and I still managed to do my workout.   This would have never been me a few years ago.  A dear friend of mine gave me good advice as I wanted to get out on the trail today, but i lost my ice cleats in the fire years ago, and never replaced those,  and I have been feeling too good, to chance an injury falling on ice.  However.  I did do the "heavy boxing " workout both days,  adding more time and more exercises (squats and burpees)  as it is taking more to get my heartrate up,  hell I used to just stand up from the couch and I would have tachycardia from being so out of shape.... not the case right now :) .    Oh and I have dropped 20 lbs since starting this on Dec 22,  although it truly isn't about the weight, but about how I feel..  right???   Like I have said Keto isn't for everyone... but I certainly agree with it :)   I promise my friends, I will try really hard not to be so perky,  I will try not to mention the word  K.E.T.O  or B.O.X.I.N.G or C.A.M.P.I.N.G  all week, I promise to try.   Please have a blessed week filled with Grace... and be Kind to one another.

Sometimes the answer is NO!!!.... it's about Surrender

 Winter Routine,  it has been steady snow and frigid temperatures here in Western PA,   I remember growing up it was like this most of the time.  I do not mind the snow, I do not mind driving in it,  I do not mind anything about it.   I am thinking this weekend I may get out to my favorite (trail) and do a little hike.  

 a few weeks ago, I had a "personal" opportunity that I thought would be good for me,  I remember asking myself.... is this something that is supposed to be,  something that will be good for me.  or is it something I wanted and not necessarily what I needed??  for a few day at the beginning of January,  it caused a little bit of conflict in me.....  it wasn't until I Surrendered and Trusted that God knows exactly what I need at this very moment,  at my NOW!   and for now the answer is no. and I am more than okay with that, and now that  I can look at the past opportunity with a clear thought,  I totally agree that it wasn't good for me.

I am truly at the best time in my life, and I wouldn't change it for anything.  I don't ever remember feeling this good in my younger days,     I do not feel like I am 54,   I don't move like I am 54,   I don't punch the heavy bag like  I am 54.   even after shoveling my body recovered immediately,   I have a few more days in January to eat what  I call Keto Perfect.  as I was doing the 30 day challenge.  My daughter and friends are tired of hearing about Keto and Boxing and Snow..... LOL   they tease me good naturedly of course...   Please understand,  I go through the same struggles......  it's just by Gods Grace, and how i am made.....  (*i think i got it from Patty Hockenberry)  but the Joy in my heart  has and needs no explanation or understanding  

A few people asked what my Keto cooking would be this weekend....... I'll let you know,  not sure yet.

Please be Kind to one another, and Surrender to your NOW.......  

90 minute Nap!!!

 Today's keto friendly meal "Chicken Parmesan Stuffed Zucchini "  so easy and delicious the ingredients are : ground chicken, marina sauce, garlic salt and pepper, freshly grated mozzarella and freshly grated parmesan and hollowed out zucchini boats- the recipe is exceptionally easy and a great find given to me by one of my co-workers.

One day a week, I stay at my daughter Katie's house.  we usually watch one of our cooking contest shows, i do my laundry, we order out, and just relax, and i have a lot of puppy cuddle time !!!  and i have my own room so i sleep over,  I usually get up early (5 am)  get my coffee and chill with the dogs until Katie finally wakes up.  This morning i was just tired,  didn't even finish my coffee, and fell asleep until 8  (*which is unheard for me,)   still feeling tired, came back to my apartment  did a few things, etc.   and ended up taking a nap,  it was one of those naps that I was aware that I couldn't wake myself up,   I am all for naps, I think they are healthy,  and 20 to 30 minutes  is usually enough just to energize me... but today it was 90 minutes.......   still waking up tired I made my cup of coffee with heavy cream, pumpkin pie spice, monkfruit and 1 TBS of butter... it was after that I finally started to feel my energy come back........  and have my house cleaning done,   laundry hung up and put away  and  even enjoyed my Boxing workout........  have i mentioned how much i love my boxing workout yet ???? 

I miss old Bill,  but i just sense that he is happy that I am so happy.   I really do feel that we are still connected and that gives me peace!!!   You know we don't really die,  our souls just go into a different dimension  and humans just can't seem to understand or see this.   But i do know this, the same connection i felt when i first met him, where i had the overwhelming sense that i knew him forever.  and the same connection i had with him when he was alive...... I still feel that!!  and I think that is why i feel so much peace and happiness......   my soul still knows his soul.   death really can't separate souls,  it just separates the human body 

Tomorrow i may go out for a little hike around the lake,    after all it's going to be a hot and balmy 23 degrees   Have a blessed day.  and be Kind to each other....... 

Brutally Honest and Offensive

 This photo of a rose was sent to me from a " teacher" that lives in Arizona,  so snow and ice here,  sun and flowers blooming there... what an amazing world we live in!!!  I was so glad he took the time to send this perfect rose to me :) .

  Here i am sitting by my window, and the feel of the warm sun on me is deceiving compared to the actual temperature outside right now which is 9 degrees.   

  I know i promised a few people that i would blog more often, but it isn't easy...   not the blogging part but worrying if you are too down,  it "offends" people,  if you are too happy it "offends" people.  if you do Keto, it offends people   If you love God it offends people, .......... do you get the picture.... More and more people are offended by everything anymore.... But offending is not my intent,  nor my problem.  I have just came to the stage in my life, some call it age, some call it wisdom....   I try to be honest in this Blog, brutally at times,  So if there comes a time that you are sick of my post,  stop reading, no hard feelings......  after all we are all Perfectly imperfect and that is the beauty in all of Us.

   I have been feeling so good for the past month,  I mean so freaking good , it still surprises me,  I have this incredible joy in my heart,  like all the time.  and i am sure my constant joy is annoying the shit out of some people, some of my friends.   I can't help it,   I can't pretend to not be so happy!  it is a peace that passes all understanding!!!  and I keep thanking God for his Grace.........because it is by Grace only and i am humbly aware of that.    I guess normal life things are still happening,  I still experience loss, and loneliness, crazy busy days at work,  Patients that try my "patience",  people that carry such bad energy that i am constantly blocking and protecting my soul from following suite..... but even these things can't seem to touch my joy right now....  oh you, my blog will be the first to know  when it happens, as life is ups and downs, joy and sadness, peace and fear, love and hate, poverty and abundance.............

  So at this moment this is what is making me filled with Joy,   my relationship with God ,My job, Keto, Boxing, and My apartment.... in no particular order.......   

There is a lot of darkness in this world,  and one tiny light doesn't seem to help........ but if we all do our part, and let our light shine even in the darkest of darks...., and if more and more people let their spirits shine........ we'd have plenty of light to even help even those in darkness see....... so choose Kindness  and choose Joy!!!