I am really Struggling

 I am not used to feeling this way,  But it happens to the best of Us.  I am tired,  I am tired of giving my energy.  We all give and take energy... have you ever been around someone, and afterwards, you say..... "she sucked the life right out of me.  Or have you walked into a room with a group of people.... and made the comment " you could cut the tension with a knife".   We are Spirits, we are souls we are energy.  We all feel it even if we aren't aware of it.     

I have been a nurse for 32 years,  and in Psychiatry and addictions  for over 27 years.  and like i said in the past,   This is the worst that I have seen in terms of anxiety, depression, and addictions, mix this in with entitlement, and fear.........and we have a very bad situation.   People are scared, and need answers NOW,  however everyone thinks they should be first on the list...... when you have 20 to 30 patients to call.... How can everyone be first.   I triage all calls first thing in the morning....... obviously, crisis calls and suicide fear calls come first.  but as i am figuring out who to call first,  the messages keep coming in.... it doesn't stop,  each call takes time to "figure" out.  and during this time, the repeat callers are continuing to call 2, 3, and 4 more times.  It doesn't stop, the calls just don't stop.  and while i am doing this,  I still give Vivitrol shots.  do vitals and do UDS's on patients that need it..... and on top of that I see a small group of patients, almost like a counselor does, but more like a "Life Coach"     This is nobody's fault, it just Is what it Is...  my issue, which isn't a bad thing,  is i don't look at the calls as "numbers" or cases......... they are humans,  they are someone's mother, someone's child, someone's somebody.   and i want to give 100% to every beautiful soul.   even the ones that call a dozen times. are so anxious, it is the nature of their illness.  the addiction patients that are panicked because their medication isn't at the pharmacy on time....... to them it is a real fear, and prob scary as hell.  I get yelled at, and get nasty messages because i didn't answer them on my day off...... even so it is the nature of the beast called mental illness.     I just can't keep up anymore.... i noticed that I have 5 messages from Saturday on my nursing line.......... BUT i have to stop at some point.......   and   IT is what it IS!!!   This is mine to fix,  this is mine to let go.  and only I can know my limitations.

 7 years ago as many know, I started taking care of an elderly gentleman......... and since I have adopted him,  he is more like a father to me now.  but he isn't doing well,  I leave work and I come home to him,  it has been a bad week,  he has fallen a few times.  has gotten confused,  is calling me at 2 in the morning ( yes I am back in my own little apartment, within his apartment) thinking i am at work....  his lower legs look like raw hamburger,  i am cleaning them and dressing them when i am home.  I am tired. just tired

And this is why i need to take my little camper,  this is why i need nature,  this is why I need walks with God.... this is why i need to practice Qigong.   I need to build my energy up, so I can give it to others.  IF i do not take care of me...... I will not be able to do my life's calling.   Being a Nurse is not a career choice...... it is a calling.......... it is who i am , it is in my soul.    Both my elderly "patients" and my patients from work are NOT a burden.... they are gifts that teach me.... but dang i need to figure this out.

Please be kind to one another........ 

OH one more thing..........  I want to share with you the name of my camper........ it surprised me. and there is a story behind it.....  i will post that later...... But i do want to share with you what i found when i researched the meaning...... with this being said, you will see how this post and the name of my camper are connected.

Box Turtle Symbolism:

    When this symbol appears in your life, you must protect yourself from other people's dramas.  Those who drain your energy, and those that need more than they give.  Stay grounded, disengage from histrionics, and set your boundaries.  Retreat into your own space and refocus your efforts. 

the name of my camper is "  The Box Turtle....."