Calm

 yesterday my post was very frustrating,  and I was angry when I posted it,  just angry at how cruel humanity can be...  sometimes I am overwhelmed how many seem to be handling their stress.... or I should say not handling it. 

and I stand by everything I posted,  but just maybe with not so many "swear words"  LOL   i used to not swear at all,  and then menopause hit....true story !!!   I am just an advocate for the weak...... it is a part of my job and a part of who I am,   and here is my lesson in my anger.......   Sometimes people react the way they do based on fear.   fear of the addict, fear of the homeless,  fear in regards to their own lives.   Lets be honest,  the meanest bullies I knew, were the most scared and broken.     

Make no mistake,  many years ago,  I was so judgmental,  the holier than thou type of judgmental.   I was that good person that went to Church all the time,  didn't smoke, didn't drink  didn't "swear" and would frown on those that did.   the gossip that i participated in and sometimes started....... after all, it made me look so good......... I get it,  and  I cringe when I think about those years.  and it was by Grace only, and it was about finding out the true meaning of Grace,   I wouldn't change my age for anything because with this Age, comes Peace and Wisdom that passes all understanding.   And the Love that fills me, well there aren't words for it.  But I know this,  I am changing for the better and I am overwhelmed by it.  

I must remember me hating others for hating others....... does not make sense, and must not be tolerated.   I will keep learning this lesson until I leave this earth....... but every morning when  I wake up,  I will ask for Grace, and try again........   Please be Kind to others.....  

Seriously....... if you are going to give..... just give without stipulation

 I would like to blog today about Rainbows and Flower scented crap,   but that "ain't going to happen"   two things have happened to me,  one I was told not to give that money to Him,  that homeless man because he will use it for Alcohol  and another thing that I witnessed was on facebook, someone was asking donation of used toys and such not wanted anymore, for her three young children. people actually condemned her and made her feel like shit.  I guess she was actually selling some of her stuff on other sites.,  and people answered with speculation that she was up to no good,  (maybe she was,  I don't care).   Who in the hell do we think we are? so superior that when we give to another heart.   we dictate what happens and what that person does with what we give them.  lets make sure they know they are "below" us, and just dirt in this world!!!!   People STOP!!!   When I give something...... it leaves my hands with a prayer of Grace for whomever receives it.   and there is where it ends on my part.   as I trust that God will somehow make that a blessing.   I have given money to a homeless person before,  and I have said,  this is yours to do with what you feel you need to do. and maybe he will need to get a bottle of whiskey to get through the night,  maybe this will be his last night on this earth, maybe i was the last soul to see him.   Maybe he will go and buy food,  maybe drugs........  I don't know, and again I don't care.  

I say this over and over again,  Please be kind to one another,  My heart breaks for humanity right now.  this weekend  I had a beautiful soul, decided to try and take her life,  she with a mental illness and addictions. so beautiful but feeling so empty and alone,  I could feel her pain,    here i am States away, calling Police to get to her and crying and praying for Grace......  all i was told is they Got her, and she is in a hospital and she is alive..    there are so many people in her state of mind right now.... it just really hits home.  and in my line of work, obviously i am seeing the worst....... but  trust me, these souls are at your work, in the store in the line with you.  they are in your schools, and churches and social clubs..they are IN YOUR Family.   you may not know, because they are good at pretending and we are good at not seeing anyhow.......   so this is why we need to be kind to one another, without stipulation or judgement........ Kindness with Love and Grace   I am asking those that are pretty strong and grounded right now....... to help hold up the weak and scared .  Hold them up in prayer and energy.  we need each other!!!!

Three months..... just remembered now

So i am sitting at home, and realized I haven't blogged lately,  I have had very busy weekends lately.  and today I finally get to chill.  and as I started to blog, I noticed the date and it hit me.   It has been 3 months to this day when Old Bill left.  the beauty of this is,   I am not "stuck" on the date.  I am grieving at times, but I am loving and enjoying every aspect of my life.   It actually felt good that I have not "focused" on the time, second and moment he died.   There have been a couple times these past few months when I missed my old buddy so much,   but most of the time I can think about him, and talk about him with a smile.  I absolutely adore his kids and am so blessed to have them in my life.   Time seems to move so quickly, it also seems like yesterday my two co workers left to have babies.... and now they are starting back to work again..... seriously there were times i wondered how I would survive, at the office, and without Old Bill.......But  I did,  I did one day at a time, I did by Grace, and I did with Faith!  and I am blessed beyond belief.   What I am trying to get used to is working full time hours, I joke about being too old for this :) ,Mondays and Tuesday's are my long days. anywhere from 22 to 24 hours in those two days alone,  and Weds and Thursday 16 to 20 hours ...   I am dealing with very scared, very ill people, and I know this world is a scary place...  I try to keep myself grounded so I can do the job that i am destined to do....  but it isn't easy.  The BOX TURTLE, (my tiny camper) has been winterized  and I am already looking forward to the time next year when i can take her out again.  I won't stop hiking,  cold weather and snow doesn't bother me. I just need to be outside,  I guess they say I  cannot Kayak in the winter either,   I'll figure something out. So as you see,  I am living a pretty normal life without much drama. and I am okay with that.  I do know I still love my home now, and couldn't imagine living anywhere but here.  Please have a blessed week, and be Kind to one another,   living On day at a Time. 

TRUE HERO

  The definition of a Hero: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities  

I have started a few post, but never felt like posting, so i deleted them.  and I think today I want to talk about my true heros, my office, my coworkers the other 1/2 of my life.

It has been a bad week for may of our patients.  The severe anxiety, the panic, the deep depression the feeling of such profound loneliness and hopelessness.   Talking to them yesterday, I could literally feel their pain deep within my own soul. and after my fourth "phone call" yesterday... i took a moment to just cry.  I am not ashamed of crying, and some professionals would tell me not to get so connected, or attached.  I have been doing this for 27 years, and the day i do not feel connected is the day I am going to retire.  This isn't my job this is my life's calling, my life's work.   And i remember sitting at my desk in amazement yesterday, that I have the honor of being in these beautiful human beings lives at their darkest moments... WOW. 

My patients are my true hero's,  not movie stars, or actors, or professional sport players  BUT the Patients that  I come in contact with,  those people that are fighting addiction of drugs and alcohol and winning.   yes they are winning even when they fall or relapse, because they get back up again and continue on in treatment.  The severely depressed patient, that fights to get out of bed in the morning and fights just to live. but they fight none the less.  The patient that is so anxious they can't get to sleep,  they can't stop their brain from running a sprint in their minds, can't slow their heart beat to a comfortable rhythm ... but they wake up ever day and try again.   I have a pt in mind that i see next week,  he will come in for his appointment,  he will sit in that chair, with this incredible smile.........and he will tell me exactly how many days he has been sober........ he will be up to like 160 days.   He is my hero, and I am so proud of him and he makes my heart smile.

So many of us including me at one time used to want to "fix" them,  but we cannot fix anybody,  The only person that can fix someone is themselves.  and they do not need to hear,  just stop it,  just go to bed and go to sleep, or just wake up and get out of bed.   Just don't take that drink, or that pill, or that hit...( damn if it was that easy )  What that patient needs is someone to jump in that dark lake with them, just to hold them and let them know they are worth saving themselves, no judgement but understanding.  no criticism but love.  not to discourage but encourage. and finally not to reject who they are but to accept who they are.

And finally to the two really grumpy pharmacist that i spoke to this week,  that made it sound like my patients were a piece of trash because they are on controlled substances, and call you in a panic.  Just remember Sirs'   " THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I"  

This chair in this room is for anyone that wants to sit there for a moment,   I will gladly share the light and energy God has given me in conversation or in silence,  patient or coworker,   it is always my pleasure and honor. 

PLease be kind to one another,  we all have the ability to share energy of peace,  Blessings

Empowered

 Yesterday a dear friend asked me how do I go home now that I am alone,  both her and I have never really experienced this before.   It is really hard to answer how I feel,  she wanted to know what I do to pass the time.  I've only been in my place for a couple of weeks.  and I am still adjusting.  At first I wanted to tell her to stay busy.... fill the time with any activity you can think of.  this is partially true...... but not quite!!!   I remember last weekend I really really missed Old Bill, and I did a lot of crying,  talking with his daughter really helped me,  going to Katie's and hanging with the pups really helped too. But when it was said and done I came to an empty house,  before two months ago,  I always came home to a sweet old man, my best friend, a cup of tea, and a chat about the day at his old table,  this was never missed.  and the same thing with my mornings...... a cup of coffee at the old table talking about my plans for the day, and snippets of  wisdom from Old Bill.   When i brought this up to my Sister in Law Anne the other day, saying how "odd it is to be alone"  I was expecting her to tell me how hard it is.......after all Her and My brother were truly best friends,  and they had been together for years.. so i can't even imagine the void of being alone in the house they shared,    I really feel Anne's one word started my directional change in attitude,   she told me it was "EMPOWERING".    

I mauled that one word around for a day or two, and you know what??  she is right.  I feel empowered.  This past weekend,   I didn't cry once,  I went Kayaking,   I watched a really good movie,  I went over to Katies to wash my laundry.   But there were times  I came home,  just to sit,  just to reflect, Just to be with me.   I decided  I didn't have to runaway from being "alone"  I had to embrace it,  it is what it is.  IT is my NOW!   It is 100% our choice to change the attitude to a positive one........ and I choose to embrace being alone,  after all I am not alone, I am never alone!!!  and I have incredible family, friends, and my coworkers are in a beautiful class by themselves.  

My apartment has became my very own sanctuary,  when i walk in here, there is an incredible energy of peace, safety and comfort.  I always look forward to coming home,   its like the softest blanket covering my soul.   And my favorite time of the day is 5 am,  I wake up, not bothering anyone,  put on my favorite music, sit in old Bills chair,  drink coffee out of my favorite mug.... and I write in my journal, I write letters to God,  ( at this point i don't share them, they are just between He and I.)  there is so much comfort  doing this.  and when  I step out of my home, and turn the key to lock the door....... and walk to my car......  I feel peace, I feel blessed............. and I feel Empowered !!!    Choose to have a blessed and empowered day today,  choose to be kind to one another, choose Love

An Edge of Sadness to my Joy

 Someone sent me this photo  via private message this morning,  It was so thoughtful that she took the time to send this to me...... the photo really has touched me.... to me, it seems like the Pelican is praying, there is a beautiful sadness i feel when i look at this photo.  My brother will be gone a year this week.   I think about Anne often, and marvel how she goes on.  I then think about my Sister, who lost her husband not too long after Chris Died and she too goes on with a mixture of Sadness and joy.   And Old Bill wasn't a spouse, but just my best old Friend that I ever had.    I keep imagining him saying,  I had to die so you could live.... you see he was getting worse physically and needed more and more help.  and his mind was starting to get "confused" on and off, it scared him. He was living in constant pain.  however I wouldn't have minded.... I would have taken care of him even if he lived to be 94 (his grandpap's age when he died)   and at this point I would have been like 67.  and lets be honest, Hockenberry genes do not have living a long life on their side. just sayin'    

I am so excited about my apartment, prob more than the average person getting a place, because you see, I am 54.... i waited a long time for this. and i find Joy in the most simple of things..... from Curtains, to the perfect color of paint, to a pillow!!   My heart is filled with JOY, about my apartment, my friends and family, My job, my patients......about my Life...  but with this joy right now, i sense an edge of Sadness,  not debilitating, or gut retching ......but it is there, sitting quietly in the corner of my soul,   honestly I usually do not have that so I am guessing it is Grief.   and I am okay with it,  I am not trying to run away from it or hide..... It isn't just the grief from Missing my Brother, or Old Bill,  I am grieving what NOW i perceived many years ago....  growing old with someone so yeah I guess i am even grieving my past marriages,  I am grieving my parents leaving me early...  

With this being said,   I wouldn't change one second of my life, not one second.  and I know and I have this incredible Faith, that THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE!!!   this is my NOW,  perfectly orchestrated and planned by God Himself. ...    

Please have a blessed day..... and for you today  I ask that you just enjoy your NOW!!!!  

Peaks and Valley of Joy and Grief

Sometimes it feels like Time is standing still,  and sometimes it feels like it is moving warp speed.  NOT sure if i want either!  Old Bill got sick in July, and it will soon be October.  I think about my brother Chris, that just in a week it will be one year,   I think about  Anne, and my sister Andrea who lost her husband shortly after my brother died.  And i wonder how do they do it, how do they go on.   But we are resilient as human beings. and for the most part we go on.  I didn't lose a spouse, or a child.... gosh, I couldn't even imagine.  But I did lose my best friend.  I am so happy with my "NOW", and i am finding Joy having my own little space is comforting.  oh it's scary too, and the first night here I was very sad and missing my old friend.  But somehow, I knew this was home to me the second i walked past it.  You see long story..... this place I didn't even know about,  I had my heart set on another place,  ..  and when i didn't get the one I thought i wanted,  i was heartbroken for one minute... and then i just said "okay God you have another place for me,  I'll trust you!"   My daughter drove past this apartment complex, (they don't advertise like the other apartments do).   I called the next morning.  and went to check it out two hours later.   she showed me the three apartments that were available.  I liked them.... as we were walking back to the office.. i walked past this apartment...... and just felt an incredible sense of peace,  I said to the lady....  I want this one.   she just looked at me and said the gentleman JUST MOVED OUT YESTERDAY!   and it would not be ready for a while as it will be getting new carpet and flooring and paint etc.  I said that was okay I could wait, but that  I wanted this one........ we went to the office,  signed the contract,  I paid the first month rent to hold the apartment and then i waited.     IT is perfect,  and i am glad i listened to my gut.      I was thinking that with Grief there is Joy, and i could tell you story after story of moments of Joy.....  I guess this is just life though and  I wouldn't want to change it.   and  I will continue to Love with all of my heart, knowing with such Love comes pain....... but Loving my life is so worth it.      I usually end with be Kind to others,  but today I want to end with be Kind to yourself,  Love you first...... and then loving others is so much easier.......Have a blessed day