An Edge of Sadness to my Joy

 Someone sent me this photo  via private message this morning,  It was so thoughtful that she took the time to send this to me...... the photo really has touched me.... to me, it seems like the Pelican is praying, there is a beautiful sadness i feel when i look at this photo.  My brother will be gone a year this week.   I think about Anne often, and marvel how she goes on.  I then think about my Sister, who lost her husband not too long after Chris Died and she too goes on with a mixture of Sadness and joy.   And Old Bill wasn't a spouse, but just my best old Friend that I ever had.    I keep imagining him saying,  I had to die so you could live.... you see he was getting worse physically and needed more and more help.  and his mind was starting to get "confused" on and off, it scared him. He was living in constant pain.  however I wouldn't have minded.... I would have taken care of him even if he lived to be 94 (his grandpap's age when he died)   and at this point I would have been like 67.  and lets be honest, Hockenberry genes do not have living a long life on their side. just sayin'    

I am so excited about my apartment, prob more than the average person getting a place, because you see, I am 54.... i waited a long time for this. and i find Joy in the most simple of things..... from Curtains, to the perfect color of paint, to a pillow!!   My heart is filled with JOY, about my apartment, my friends and family, My job, my patients......about my Life...  but with this joy right now, i sense an edge of Sadness,  not debilitating, or gut retching ......but it is there, sitting quietly in the corner of my soul,   honestly I usually do not have that so I am guessing it is Grief.   and I am okay with it,  I am not trying to run away from it or hide..... It isn't just the grief from Missing my Brother, or Old Bill,  I am grieving what NOW i perceived many years ago....  growing old with someone so yeah I guess i am even grieving my past marriages,  I am grieving my parents leaving me early...  

With this being said,   I wouldn't change one second of my life, not one second.  and I know and I have this incredible Faith, that THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE!!!   this is my NOW,  perfectly orchestrated and planned by God Himself. ...    

Please have a blessed day..... and for you today  I ask that you just enjoy your NOW!!!!