TRUE HERO

  The definition of a Hero: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities  

I have started a few post, but never felt like posting, so i deleted them.  and I think today I want to talk about my true heros, my office, my coworkers the other 1/2 of my life.

It has been a bad week for may of our patients.  The severe anxiety, the panic, the deep depression the feeling of such profound loneliness and hopelessness.   Talking to them yesterday, I could literally feel their pain deep within my own soul. and after my fourth "phone call" yesterday... i took a moment to just cry.  I am not ashamed of crying, and some professionals would tell me not to get so connected, or attached.  I have been doing this for 27 years, and the day i do not feel connected is the day I am going to retire.  This isn't my job this is my life's calling, my life's work.   And i remember sitting at my desk in amazement yesterday, that I have the honor of being in these beautiful human beings lives at their darkest moments... WOW. 

My patients are my true hero's,  not movie stars, or actors, or professional sport players  BUT the Patients that  I come in contact with,  those people that are fighting addiction of drugs and alcohol and winning.   yes they are winning even when they fall or relapse, because they get back up again and continue on in treatment.  The severely depressed patient, that fights to get out of bed in the morning and fights just to live. but they fight none the less.  The patient that is so anxious they can't get to sleep,  they can't stop their brain from running a sprint in their minds, can't slow their heart beat to a comfortable rhythm ... but they wake up ever day and try again.   I have a pt in mind that i see next week,  he will come in for his appointment,  he will sit in that chair, with this incredible smile.........and he will tell me exactly how many days he has been sober........ he will be up to like 160 days.   He is my hero, and I am so proud of him and he makes my heart smile.

So many of us including me at one time used to want to "fix" them,  but we cannot fix anybody,  The only person that can fix someone is themselves.  and they do not need to hear,  just stop it,  just go to bed and go to sleep, or just wake up and get out of bed.   Just don't take that drink, or that pill, or that hit...( damn if it was that easy )  What that patient needs is someone to jump in that dark lake with them, just to hold them and let them know they are worth saving themselves, no judgement but understanding.  no criticism but love.  not to discourage but encourage. and finally not to reject who they are but to accept who they are.

And finally to the two really grumpy pharmacist that i spoke to this week,  that made it sound like my patients were a piece of trash because they are on controlled substances, and call you in a panic.  Just remember Sirs'   " THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I"  

This chair in this room is for anyone that wants to sit there for a moment,   I will gladly share the light and energy God has given me in conversation or in silence,  patient or coworker,   it is always my pleasure and honor. 

PLease be kind to one another,  we all have the ability to share energy of peace,  Blessings

Empowered

 Yesterday a dear friend asked me how do I go home now that I am alone,  both her and I have never really experienced this before.   It is really hard to answer how I feel,  she wanted to know what I do to pass the time.  I've only been in my place for a couple of weeks.  and I am still adjusting.  At first I wanted to tell her to stay busy.... fill the time with any activity you can think of.  this is partially true...... but not quite!!!   I remember last weekend I really really missed Old Bill, and I did a lot of crying,  talking with his daughter really helped me,  going to Katie's and hanging with the pups really helped too. But when it was said and done I came to an empty house,  before two months ago,  I always came home to a sweet old man, my best friend, a cup of tea, and a chat about the day at his old table,  this was never missed.  and the same thing with my mornings...... a cup of coffee at the old table talking about my plans for the day, and snippets of  wisdom from Old Bill.   When i brought this up to my Sister in Law Anne the other day, saying how "odd it is to be alone"  I was expecting her to tell me how hard it is.......after all Her and My brother were truly best friends,  and they had been together for years.. so i can't even imagine the void of being alone in the house they shared,    I really feel Anne's one word started my directional change in attitude,   she told me it was "EMPOWERING".    

I mauled that one word around for a day or two, and you know what??  she is right.  I feel empowered.  This past weekend,   I didn't cry once,  I went Kayaking,   I watched a really good movie,  I went over to Katies to wash my laundry.   But there were times  I came home,  just to sit,  just to reflect, Just to be with me.   I decided  I didn't have to runaway from being "alone"  I had to embrace it,  it is what it is.  IT is my NOW!   It is 100% our choice to change the attitude to a positive one........ and I choose to embrace being alone,  after all I am not alone, I am never alone!!!  and I have incredible family, friends, and my coworkers are in a beautiful class by themselves.  

My apartment has became my very own sanctuary,  when i walk in here, there is an incredible energy of peace, safety and comfort.  I always look forward to coming home,   its like the softest blanket covering my soul.   And my favorite time of the day is 5 am,  I wake up, not bothering anyone,  put on my favorite music, sit in old Bills chair,  drink coffee out of my favorite mug.... and I write in my journal, I write letters to God,  ( at this point i don't share them, they are just between He and I.)  there is so much comfort  doing this.  and when  I step out of my home, and turn the key to lock the door....... and walk to my car......  I feel peace, I feel blessed............. and I feel Empowered !!!    Choose to have a blessed and empowered day today,  choose to be kind to one another, choose Love

An Edge of Sadness to my Joy

 Someone sent me this photo  via private message this morning,  It was so thoughtful that she took the time to send this to me...... the photo really has touched me.... to me, it seems like the Pelican is praying, there is a beautiful sadness i feel when i look at this photo.  My brother will be gone a year this week.   I think about Anne often, and marvel how she goes on.  I then think about my Sister, who lost her husband not too long after Chris Died and she too goes on with a mixture of Sadness and joy.   And Old Bill wasn't a spouse, but just my best old Friend that I ever had.    I keep imagining him saying,  I had to die so you could live.... you see he was getting worse physically and needed more and more help.  and his mind was starting to get "confused" on and off, it scared him. He was living in constant pain.  however I wouldn't have minded.... I would have taken care of him even if he lived to be 94 (his grandpap's age when he died)   and at this point I would have been like 67.  and lets be honest, Hockenberry genes do not have living a long life on their side. just sayin'    

I am so excited about my apartment, prob more than the average person getting a place, because you see, I am 54.... i waited a long time for this. and i find Joy in the most simple of things..... from Curtains, to the perfect color of paint, to a pillow!!   My heart is filled with JOY, about my apartment, my friends and family, My job, my patients......about my Life...  but with this joy right now, i sense an edge of Sadness,  not debilitating, or gut retching ......but it is there, sitting quietly in the corner of my soul,   honestly I usually do not have that so I am guessing it is Grief.   and I am okay with it,  I am not trying to run away from it or hide..... It isn't just the grief from Missing my Brother, or Old Bill,  I am grieving what NOW i perceived many years ago....  growing old with someone so yeah I guess i am even grieving my past marriages,  I am grieving my parents leaving me early...  

With this being said,   I wouldn't change one second of my life, not one second.  and I know and I have this incredible Faith, that THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE!!!   this is my NOW,  perfectly orchestrated and planned by God Himself. ...    

Please have a blessed day..... and for you today  I ask that you just enjoy your NOW!!!!  

Peaks and Valley of Joy and Grief

Sometimes it feels like Time is standing still,  and sometimes it feels like it is moving warp speed.  NOT sure if i want either!  Old Bill got sick in July, and it will soon be October.  I think about my brother Chris, that just in a week it will be one year,   I think about  Anne, and my sister Andrea who lost her husband shortly after my brother died.  And i wonder how do they do it, how do they go on.   But we are resilient as human beings. and for the most part we go on.  I didn't lose a spouse, or a child.... gosh, I couldn't even imagine.  But I did lose my best friend.  I am so happy with my "NOW", and i am finding Joy having my own little space is comforting.  oh it's scary too, and the first night here I was very sad and missing my old friend.  But somehow, I knew this was home to me the second i walked past it.  You see long story..... this place I didn't even know about,  I had my heart set on another place,  ..  and when i didn't get the one I thought i wanted,  i was heartbroken for one minute... and then i just said "okay God you have another place for me,  I'll trust you!"   My daughter drove past this apartment complex, (they don't advertise like the other apartments do).   I called the next morning.  and went to check it out two hours later.   she showed me the three apartments that were available.  I liked them.... as we were walking back to the office.. i walked past this apartment...... and just felt an incredible sense of peace,  I said to the lady....  I want this one.   she just looked at me and said the gentleman JUST MOVED OUT YESTERDAY!   and it would not be ready for a while as it will be getting new carpet and flooring and paint etc.  I said that was okay I could wait, but that  I wanted this one........ we went to the office,  signed the contract,  I paid the first month rent to hold the apartment and then i waited.     IT is perfect,  and i am glad i listened to my gut.      I was thinking that with Grief there is Joy, and i could tell you story after story of moments of Joy.....  I guess this is just life though and  I wouldn't want to change it.   and  I will continue to Love with all of my heart, knowing with such Love comes pain....... but Loving my life is so worth it.      I usually end with be Kind to others,  but today I want to end with be Kind to yourself,  Love you first...... and then loving others is so much easier.......Have a blessed day  

 

Solitude Vs Isolation

I am really enjoying my alone time right now,   my hikes, I am going by myself,  and even Katie seems to understand this as she usually pouts when I tell her i don't want her to come.  I should be able to move into my apartment next week.  Staying with Katie has been wonderful,  but both her and I need to get back to a routine,  hers is to get back to the way it was before i moved in completely.   And my routine, will be something new and completely different that I will be starting and forming.  

I absolutely love my job, and who i am working for and with. I am learning to work full time in one place.   I have always worked part time, but for many years i had two or three part time jobs.   so most of my week is very busy.   and on a weekend if i had the choice to go to a party, or sit at home and listen to a book,   I would pick being at home every time.    I don't feel lonely or isolated.   I feel peaceful, content and joyful.  It has taken me 54 years, but I am finally learning to love who I am, where I am in the moment,  I am learning to forgive myself for my past,  and not worry about my future...... I am learning the peace and joy in Living for Today ONLY!!!    So i do balance my solitude with social and it works for me.   I think the thing i am looking forward to the most in having my own place is the freedom to wake up early in the morning,   Katie does not mind but when i stir, the pets stir and then of course Katie wakes up ...... 5 am is just a little too early for her LOL.     Please be at peace, be Kind to one another.... and the next time you're alone,  take a moment to do a self check........... are you in a space of Solitude? or are you in a space of Isolation?
 

Hatred~~~>Toxic~~~>Self Harm!!!

 It has been a crazy surreal almost two months,  and again my life has taken a totally sudden and immediate different direction.   Yes of course i still miss my buddy Old Bill,  and i think about him everyday.  yes i will sometimes cry,  BUT i find myself being "me",  laughing and joking.  and feeling this sense of overwhelming peace and calm.   I feel excitement about where I am going,  oh i don't know where i am going, but i am sure it is going to be amazing.  as i mentioned before,  Two weeks ago, the most amazing beautiful miracle took place,  that has absolutely changed the course of my life.. you would think the power of God that I witnessed may have made me more Pious and more cocky in self righteous bull sh*t.....  But it did the opposite, and i have crashed down on my knees, and have been so humbled,   I see the humanity in you, and i see the fragile human being that I am...   and sometimes I need to catch my breath,  and remember to breath deeply with the knowledge that there is indeed a higher power.   Two weeks ago there were four "strangers" whom i never met, and whom i "hated"  and in literally a minute,  they became 4 souls whom i somehow knew that I loved with all my heart for almost forever..... and I know I will always love them....  I know this is a pretty "deep" post,  I don't understand it either,  I just now accept it, and sometimes i don't need to know why, or how......but that it just IS!

I can't pick and choose who i love or who I hate,... or can I?   its funny how i can justify why I hate someone,  (we all do it,  so if you say i hate no-one...... then you're lying),  Hatred is a toxic thing to the heart and to the soul, it eats away at your joy and peace.  Hatred is a parasite, it can't feed itself, it has to eat off of you,  when you hate it consumes your thoughts, and your happiness.   You know what I am talking about,  we have all been there.   

it isn't easy, and every morning I start all over again,   I remember a saying  from the Anne of Green Gables series that  i watched 30 plus years ago. (damn i am getting old)  that when you wake up tomorrow,  your day starts with No mistakes in it.......... yet!!!!.    So here I am this morning, no mistakes yet........ and I ask God to help me protect my peace, and help me to love what i deem unlovable. 

Peace be with you, and be kind to one another     

and HOW has my diabetes thing been handled this past month

I have been so busy blogging about grief, loss, pain and fear, peace, hope, joy, sadness, love...........  I guess i should take a moment and tell you how my diabetes is doing.  the three weeks when old Bill was really sick, I barely ate, my stomach was in constant knots,   and if i may be honest, i didn't take by medicine most of the time.    I dropped 14 lbs in those few weeks.  My blood sugars remained normal but high normal.  I didn't realize that stress can change your numbers more than sugar.  ( I remember the highest my number were was when my brother died.)  A few days after Bill died, and when i was able to find my peace again, my appetite came back,  well sorta.  I never had the ice cream, or the cakes or the cookies,   However I did have a potato more than once or twice in a week instead of once or twice in a month.  AND THEN LAST WEEK, thursday to be exact, my X friend Christina brought the "kitchen sink" cookies from Panera ..  I decided heck with it, and i ate a 1/2 of a cookie,  and then I went and had the other 1/4 of the cookie......   that last bite put me over the edge and i got physically sick.    That night i took an honest inventory of my health, and I could almost hear old Bill say,   " Sandi don't give up, you can do this, I am so proud of you.....now get a grip"    and from that moment on,  I remembered my goal, my promise to myself, my promise to my Brother, ......and I haven't looked back.  I am strict keto again,  absolutely no sugar,  no pasta, no ice cream.   I fast 12 hours now........but next week I will be back to 16 hours.   Again i am finding my way in this maze called life,  finding a way to my new normal..    so many changes so quickly,  it would be so easy to "forget" my health,   but that isn't fair to me.   I need to keep on track for me,  .   I will schedule my doctor check up for 8 weeks,  and i will see how i am doing.   Blessings to all of you.......please be Kind to one another