Mornings, Me and Katie and the chapter closed!!

until my Apartment is ready, I am staying at Katie's.  this morning i am sitting here in the quiet,  it is early in the morning, I have my favorite mug sipping my coffee and I am thinking about where I have been and where I am going.   I sit here and I feel peaceful and I feel blessed and I know that grief is a part of me, a part of all of us, but it doesn't define me.  and i find joy in a cup of coffee, my blue bird mug in Katie's beautiful home.   

I am pretty sure Katie does not read my blog, she thinks I am "goofy"  LOL and I am okay with that.  This month and 8 days have been some of the hardest days i have ever experienced.  which includes when Bill got ill and ended up in ICU to his death and the week that followed.   Katie was my rock the entire time.  and I started seeing Katie in a different light.   I have been living with Katie since a week before Bill died,  I just couldn't go back to the apartment to sleep.  I have a room at Katie's, and she is doing everything in her power to make me happy.  She has come home from a long day of  work a couple hours before  I came home and that girl would make a dinner so i would have a meal to pack for my lunch the next day.   Every available minute of her days and weekends she worked like a mad dog trying to get the apartment cleaned out so i would not have to keep going back there... she knew how much it was hurting me, and i would come back sad every time.

Today the Apartment is empty,  today the keys have been turned in. Today i  walked through the apartment one last time,  the tears flowing down my face remembering Bill in his chair at the table, remembering Bill at his stove, always cooking something,  and remembering Bill and the stories he told, and the wisdom he shared, and the love he gave to everyone that crossed his path.   And i turned the key and walked away, went out to my car and just sat there and cried.   And my story continues, the book isn't over, just that chapter.........  Today I start writing my next chapter  and my heart continues to beat, and I continue to love and i am excited about what has changed in me and others.  Today i am surrounded by Grace and today, the first day since July19th I am going to rest.   I am going to rest!!!

I may be an open book, but there are chapters that are too sacred to put in a blog

 Those that know me well, know that I am pretty open about my life, my struggles, my joys.  But sometimes there are things that happen that are so precious and so sacred that there just aren't words to use...   and that was this Saturday.   There are probably a handful of life experiences that happened that totally changed the course of my life.  and yesterday was one of them.  

And today,  Katie just wanted to tackle head on the apartment I am cleaning out,   I think she knows how much it bothers me to be over there..... i think she knows i need to get away from it.  Our friend Kristen came with her truck, and my son Sam and Kaely came to help with the few large pieces of furniture.  My X husband is letting me store a lot of the stuff in his spare room,  and Katie has a huge dining room that has the many bins and boxes stored there.   We still have a few things to get out of there.  But a huge dent has been made.  and today I feel pretty good.   I have an apartment that I am really excited about getting.   I feel so excited and nervous at the same time.   I have NEVER had a place of my own... I went from my parents, to Albert, to having my three kids, to my sister andrea moving in with me to my second marriage, and then to Old bill..... and here I am 54!!!!   I am looking forward to this journey.   and i guess the excitement is not knowing where i am going.........but TRUSTING that it's okay not knowing

I am praying that the upcoming week will be more normal.  I have some loose ends to tie up,  with Old Bill and myself,  Next weekend the apartment should be completely empty,  and all the death certificates are where they should be......... it seems like a life time ago when i last held Old Bills hand and really it has only been two weeks,  i really am doing okay for it being so new :)

Letting Go and the peace that comes with it

The past few days have been such a process to say the least. I want to begin with first off, and i need no explanation to anyone,  and the person that left me a message, i think not so nice but i only read one sentence and deleted it.   I have blogged for maybe 20 years.  and in my blogs i am just me,  and I get angry, i get mean at times,  but writing in this blog is how i process.  I have a few people that have followed me forever.  I don't get tons of view at all, nor do I care. I lost my best old friend a week ago,  and I feel because how i found him several years ago,  I have been more connected to him and protective of him. and it hurts me,  BUT because of God's beautiful Grace,  I have faith that i will come through and I will be at peace.  The beauty of me at this age,  you do not have to like me,  heck sometimes I don't have to like me either....   at the end of the day.  It is my faith and relationship with God that matters....... and believe me,  he tells me how it is many times,   he  will say to me,   "now you are angry you said that passive aggressively to make them look bad, and you look good,,,, Yeah he does tell me that,  I am human, and i hate, and i want to inflict pain on those that hurt me.   Every day that I wake up, it is a new day, and my goal is to be Kind to my enemies and see life from their perspective.   NOT an easy feat at all.

I want to share something that happened yesterday in general terms,  I am pretty sure Bills kids don't read this blog, but regardless.... In respect to them and to Old Bill.....   i will generalize this,   I spoke with one of his children yesterday........ AND WITHOUT A DOUBT,  those kids all love their dad so so much...... I could feel the love and the pain.  and it killed me........ such beautiful souls, such beautiful souls..... God allowed me to drop my selfish angry view...... and feel the hearts of all of Bills children.  and I know that Bill has crossed over and is at peace, and He loves his kids so so much    the only people that truly know the past and the pain that Bill experienced and Bills kids experience are them.  there was alot of trauma in Bill's childhood,  as maybe with his kids.....   

I was asking for just a tablespoon of Ashes to do Bills last wish,  but suddenly the dark cloud was lifted, and i imagined Bill standing there, with this beautiful face, beautiful smile and he said to me "seriously Sandi, you're putting your energy into a Tbs of Dirt".    and suddenly I knew,  Bill loves his beautiful children so much, he has been released from his earthly pain,  and he wants nothing more than his children to find peace while on Earth.   he wants his Ashes to go where the kids are taking them,  He wants to symbolically be with them,  while they mourn his Life, His Past, and His Death...  I KNOW this is what Bill wants....   and with Letting Go,  there comes Peace!!!    

Broken... finding my new normal. finding joy

It has been one week,  one week since I held the warm hand of an old man.  one week since i told him to go home.   Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and sometimes it feels like a year.   last week at this time, i felt so empty and void of my own qi energy, the energy we all carry within us, the energy we share with each other, our family and our loved ones.  last Monday and Tuesday were so painful I almost could not stand it.  I was also so tired from the 18 days before watching him suffer two weeks in the ICU and one week on the "other" floors.   There are still things that trigger great sadness.  when i came home from work the first day. and not be able to tell him every single thing I did for that day.  He'd ask me about my coworkers, my patients and my bosses.  the first day i went into the store and walked passed the many things he needed although he had six more at home.  because that is what "old" people do.   washing his laundry,   shutting off his phone.  listening to his favorite music. ..... all these bring a wave of pain and sadness, like someone punched the air right out of me.    and then mid-week without even trying,  I felt his peace,   and feeling that, i felt my peace return. a calmness, a comfort, a knowing that  IF we were connected before i met him, as I spoke about before.  and if we had that "soul" connection on earth.... something as trivial as death cannot separate us.  I don't need you to believe it, and actually i don't need to believe it,  I just know it........ and knowing it has given me hope.   There is 100% guarantee that every person walking this earth will suffer loss of  another soul human or animal.   and we too will one day cross over the realm between Heaven and Earth.    When i first met Old Bill he was already at deaths door, and he was an old man already.  and I remember praying to God, asking him just to let me get to know him a year......  and then another year came, and another year and another year....   we never seem to have enough.    and Bill was getting tired, and his body was always in so much pain, he never complained,  but i knew.   We had many deep conversations,  and  I guess when you get closer to death it seems to lose its hold on you....... we always talked,  and death is absolutely not the worst thing that could have happened.   

Now I have that peace again,   that doesn't mean i won't have a moment where i cry and think of my old friend. but it means  i have smiled at the sunrise.  and have enjoyed being barefoot in the wet grass,  I find joy cleaning out the apartment with my bestie Christina.   I have enjoyed my daughter and living at her home while i get my apartment.   and yes i have even thought of my little camper again, and feel sure that i will enjoy that again soon.   I have many true friends and i do not feel lonely at all. 

My life is changing..... as it always does.  for the first time in 54 years i am looking for an apartment just for me,  no spouse, no kids, no old people....... just me....... scary and exciting at the same time

So yes I am broken,  we all our.  but i truly am not empty...... that empty feeling was the worst of all.  and I am so blessed and thankful that with Grace, i was able to face it head on.... and i was able to hold on to my faith, and my love with life.   My office has offered me fulltime position, and i am excited about that,  so many changes.  Old bill wanted me to be happy and independent,  he was excited about my camper, about my friends, about my job.... and i just bet he still is     

Old Bills last words to me:   after i asked him if he was afraid of his journey with death..... he said weakly but clearly and pronounced each syllable.........  A.B.S.O.L.U.T.L.Y.   NOT!!!!  amen and amen 

A part of my soul died last night

 In seven years I have never posted his picture,  You may have heard me talk about him,  but in general terms or as "Old Bill" and you may have remembered me post about him several years ago and how I came about finding him, and then keeping him.

https://sandi510.blogspot.com/2016/01/to-love-stranger.html  

 (please read the https to better explain what this man is to me,)  The day after I came back from my wonderful first camping trip, This sweet man became seriously ill and went to the hospital on July 19th,  he spent two weeks in ICU,  I don't feel it is my place to go into his illness details.  however he was very very ill,  

It has been so difficult to keep myself balanced.  I have cried daily and many times a day.  the not knowing,  the watching him suffer, the confusion and delirium he experienced, the pain he experienced the ups and down daily, sometimes hourly.  The first time that for once, his health and happiness was out of my control I just felt empty and so broken.   Yesterday with his blessing I made the decision to give it to God,  and we stopped the final medical procedure.  and we started on "Hospice protocol",   the doctor said that it could take a few weeks,  and the nurses told me at least a few days.   But i knew that Bill would be leaving on that day. within 8 hrs  he died the most peaceful death i have ever witnessed.

How do i even explain my connection to him, as i stated almost 6 years ago,  it was a connection of souls , it's like i knew him from heaven, and we had been buddies before.   People hear the story and they may think that  I saved him,  but no he SAVED me.  he made me a better person,  he encourage me to follow my dreams and be at peace with who i am.  He was so proud to be a stand in Dad to me, after all he knew Sam Hockenberry the great Elders Ridge Athlete, and he a Bell Avon Athlete.   And he loved my Kids,   he called them his grandchildren....  and the so may talks that they all had at his table, the wisdom and the stories he shared.   All three of my kids said to this day....... he had the greatest influence on them and to where they are right now.  I had coffee with him every day,  and sat and chatted with him every night for almost 7 years.  I was closer to him than i was with either husband.  He was my best friend,  and a true soulmate.   not the gushy kind that everybody seems to have when they first meet.  but true knowledge that we did not meet by accident.  the true knowledge that we will always be connected.   When he left yesterday, i felt a piece of my soul leave me and I felt so broken.  but then i realized today,  he left a piece of his soul with me....  so although i may be broken, i am still complete.  I will take Old Bills lessons that i have received over the last seven years,  I will take his wisdom, i will take his stories, i will take his sayings.. and I will continue to make him proud.  This hurts so much,   this is overwhelming at times....... i try to run away from this emotional pain.  but i cannot,  I will feel the emptiness, the anxiety of him not being here, seeing the pain of my kids hurting, I will allow myself to be broken and empty.    I stayed until he left last night.... i just kept touching his arm, knowing that very soon I would not be able to touch his warm skin,  it was so beautiful and precious to watch him cross over......... and I kept my promise.   Old Bill, you never felt alone again, and  I stayed with you as you took your last breath,   Thank you my sweet friend, for loving me and my kids and my friends.  Life will never be the same,   but i am so glad a short time with you was better than never knowing you at all.    Bill without a doubt,  you were my greatest gift.   Until we meet again sweet man........ look up Mom and Dad and Chris and give them hugs from me.   I LOVE YOU

Maiden Voyage ~~~~~~

and the Maiden Voyage is in the books...... and I will say it was absolutely a success.  When i went to pick up my camper, nobody was home.....and I actually hooked it up myself,  Chris came to get eggs and helped direct me to move the car up an inch so the ball would connect.....  I am so proud of my Subaru, she did an amazing job...... didn't even know I was pulling the camper,  I do have to learn how to adjust the electric brakes on the camper when i am driving......lets see,  the google directions missed the camping site by a mile or two,  I had to turn around while pulling. get to the camp sites and it is more primitive than most,  there was a shared electric box for our sites....  and no exact way to park,  while getting in the storage under the mattress for the electric cord to connect to the box,  I smashed my thumb ripped skin in three spots, including the lower nail bed,it did bleed a good bit......  and then let the fun begin.  I went with Chris and Larry, she surprised me with this a few weeks back.   They pretty much did their own thing, and just let me try things on my own.  they helped me put up the canopy as that takes two.  No sooner did we finish the basics of the camp site........and the rain began......... and it rained, and rained, and rained.  the first evening, a major thunderstorm.  it was so cozy to lay in the camper, watch the lightning, and listen to the rain on the metal roof, and the claps of thunder, it was the perfect first night.   up at 5 am made coffee, enjoyed the solitude, the cool mud that surrounded my feet.  listening to the birds slowly wake up,  and just being....  my mind needed this rest.  Just when I thought the rain would stay away......... it came again.  and sometimes with a force...  i had the absolute muddiest spot in the camp.... but i didn't mind that either.   Saturday the rain slowed down just enough for Larry to do the aged ribeye steaks Old Bill made for Us over the open fire,  along with baked potatoes foil wrapped and placed into the fire........ it was amazing, and of course as soon as we got the steaks completed....the rain started again, and it didn't stop until the next morning,  I crawled early into my little box turtle, I listened to an audible book, I listened to the rain, I listened to thunder..... and i cozily went to a wonderful sleep.   It was the perfect camping spot, the perfect weather,  and the company was perfect also..... they let me be,  they would stop over and check in , and i would go over there for a while.  but for the most part I was on my own.     maybe by the next trip i will have my graphics on,  but if not that is okay too.   I really like this camping thing....  instead of putting the photos on here,  I will post them separately on my Facebook page.   Have a blessed week, and find the time to take care of you!!!

I am really Struggling

 I am not used to feeling this way,  But it happens to the best of Us.  I am tired,  I am tired of giving my energy.  We all give and take energy... have you ever been around someone, and afterwards, you say..... "she sucked the life right out of me.  Or have you walked into a room with a group of people.... and made the comment " you could cut the tension with a knife".   We are Spirits, we are souls we are energy.  We all feel it even if we aren't aware of it.     

I have been a nurse for 32 years,  and in Psychiatry and addictions  for over 27 years.  and like i said in the past,   This is the worst that I have seen in terms of anxiety, depression, and addictions, mix this in with entitlement, and fear.........and we have a very bad situation.   People are scared, and need answers NOW,  however everyone thinks they should be first on the list...... when you have 20 to 30 patients to call.... How can everyone be first.   I triage all calls first thing in the morning....... obviously, crisis calls and suicide fear calls come first.  but as i am figuring out who to call first,  the messages keep coming in.... it doesn't stop,  each call takes time to "figure" out.  and during this time, the repeat callers are continuing to call 2, 3, and 4 more times.  It doesn't stop, the calls just don't stop.  and while i am doing this,  I still give Vivitrol shots.  do vitals and do UDS's on patients that need it..... and on top of that I see a small group of patients, almost like a counselor does, but more like a "Life Coach"     This is nobody's fault, it just Is what it Is...  my issue, which isn't a bad thing,  is i don't look at the calls as "numbers" or cases......... they are humans,  they are someone's mother, someone's child, someone's somebody.   and i want to give 100% to every beautiful soul.   even the ones that call a dozen times. are so anxious, it is the nature of their illness.  the addiction patients that are panicked because their medication isn't at the pharmacy on time....... to them it is a real fear, and prob scary as hell.  I get yelled at, and get nasty messages because i didn't answer them on my day off...... even so it is the nature of the beast called mental illness.     I just can't keep up anymore.... i noticed that I have 5 messages from Saturday on my nursing line.......... BUT i have to stop at some point.......   and   IT is what it IS!!!   This is mine to fix,  this is mine to let go.  and only I can know my limitations.

 7 years ago as many know, I started taking care of an elderly gentleman......... and since I have adopted him,  he is more like a father to me now.  but he isn't doing well,  I leave work and I come home to him,  it has been a bad week,  he has fallen a few times.  has gotten confused,  is calling me at 2 in the morning ( yes I am back in my own little apartment, within his apartment) thinking i am at work....  his lower legs look like raw hamburger,  i am cleaning them and dressing them when i am home.  I am tired. just tired

And this is why i need to take my little camper,  this is why i need nature,  this is why I need walks with God.... this is why i need to practice Qigong.   I need to build my energy up, so I can give it to others.  IF i do not take care of me...... I will not be able to do my life's calling.   Being a Nurse is not a career choice...... it is a calling.......... it is who i am , it is in my soul.    Both my elderly "patients" and my patients from work are NOT a burden.... they are gifts that teach me.... but dang i need to figure this out.

Please be kind to one another........ 

OH one more thing..........  I want to share with you the name of my camper........ it surprised me. and there is a story behind it.....  i will post that later...... But i do want to share with you what i found when i researched the meaning...... with this being said, you will see how this post and the name of my camper are connected.

Box Turtle Symbolism:

    When this symbol appears in your life, you must protect yourself from other people's dramas.  Those who drain your energy, and those that need more than they give.  Stay grounded, disengage from histrionics, and set your boundaries.  Retreat into your own space and refocus your efforts. 

the name of my camper is "  The Box Turtle....."