It has been one week, one week since I held the warm hand of an old man. one week since i told him to go home. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and sometimes it feels like a year. last week at this time, i felt so empty and void of my own
qi energy, the energy we all carry within us, the energy we share with each other, our family and our loved ones. last Monday and Tuesday were so painful I almost could not stand it. I was also so tired from the 18 days before watching him suffer two weeks in the ICU and one week on the "other" floors. There are still things that trigger great sadness. when i came home from work the first day. and not be able to tell him every single thing I did for that day. He'd ask me about my coworkers, my patients and my bosses. the first day i went into the store and walked passed the many things he needed although he had six more at home. because that is what "old" people do. washing his laundry, shutting off his phone. listening to his favorite music. ..... all these bring a wave of pain and sadness, like someone punched the air right out of me. and then mid-week without even trying, I felt his peace, and feeling that, i felt my peace return. a calmness, a comfort, a knowing that IF we were connected before i met him, as I spoke about before. and if we had that "soul" connection on earth.... something as trivial as death cannot separate us. I don't need you to believe it, and actually i don't need to believe it, I just know it........ and knowing it has given me hope. There is 100% guarantee that every person walking this earth will suffer loss of another soul human or animal. and we too will one day cross over the realm between Heaven and Earth. When i first met Old Bill he was already at deaths door, and he was an old man already. and I remember praying to God, asking him just to let me get to know him a year...... and then another year came, and another year and another year.... we never seem to have enough. and Bill was getting tired, and his body was always in so much pain, he never complained, but i knew. We had many deep conversations, and I guess when you get closer to death it seems to lose its hold on you....... we always talked, and death is absolutely not the worst thing that could have happened. Now I have that peace again, that doesn't mean i won't have a moment where i cry and think of my old friend. but it means i have smiled at the sunrise. and have enjoyed being barefoot in the wet grass, I find joy cleaning out the apartment with my bestie Christina. I have enjoyed my daughter and living at her home while i get my apartment. and yes i have even thought of my little camper again, and feel sure that i will enjoy that again soon. I have many true friends and i do not feel lonely at all.
My life is changing..... as it always does. for the first time in 54 years i am looking for an apartment just for me, no spouse, no kids, no old people....... just me....... scary and exciting at the same time
So yes I am broken, we all our. but i truly am not empty...... that empty feeling was the worst of all. and I am so blessed and thankful that with Grace, i was able to face it head on.... and i was able to hold on to my faith, and my love with life. My office has offered me fulltime position, and i am excited about that, so many changes. Old bill wanted me to be happy and independent, he was excited about my camper, about my friends, about my job.... and i just bet he still is
Old Bills last words to me: after i asked him if he was afraid of his journey with death..... he said weakly but clearly and pronounced each syllable......... A.B.S.O.L.U.T.L.Y. NOT!!!! amen and amen
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