A part of my soul died last night

 In seven years I have never posted his picture,  You may have heard me talk about him,  but in general terms or as "Old Bill" and you may have remembered me post about him several years ago and how I came about finding him, and then keeping him.

https://sandi510.blogspot.com/2016/01/to-love-stranger.html  

 (please read the https to better explain what this man is to me,)  The day after I came back from my wonderful first camping trip, This sweet man became seriously ill and went to the hospital on July 19th,  he spent two weeks in ICU,  I don't feel it is my place to go into his illness details.  however he was very very ill,  

It has been so difficult to keep myself balanced.  I have cried daily and many times a day.  the not knowing,  the watching him suffer, the confusion and delirium he experienced, the pain he experienced the ups and down daily, sometimes hourly.  The first time that for once, his health and happiness was out of my control I just felt empty and so broken.   Yesterday with his blessing I made the decision to give it to God,  and we stopped the final medical procedure.  and we started on "Hospice protocol",   the doctor said that it could take a few weeks,  and the nurses told me at least a few days.   But i knew that Bill would be leaving on that day. within 8 hrs  he died the most peaceful death i have ever witnessed.

How do i even explain my connection to him, as i stated almost 6 years ago,  it was a connection of souls , it's like i knew him from heaven, and we had been buddies before.   People hear the story and they may think that  I saved him,  but no he SAVED me.  he made me a better person,  he encourage me to follow my dreams and be at peace with who i am.  He was so proud to be a stand in Dad to me, after all he knew Sam Hockenberry the great Elders Ridge Athlete, and he a Bell Avon Athlete.   And he loved my Kids,   he called them his grandchildren....  and the so may talks that they all had at his table, the wisdom and the stories he shared.   All three of my kids said to this day....... he had the greatest influence on them and to where they are right now.  I had coffee with him every day,  and sat and chatted with him every night for almost 7 years.  I was closer to him than i was with either husband.  He was my best friend,  and a true soulmate.   not the gushy kind that everybody seems to have when they first meet.  but true knowledge that we did not meet by accident.  the true knowledge that we will always be connected.   When he left yesterday, i felt a piece of my soul leave me and I felt so broken.  but then i realized today,  he left a piece of his soul with me....  so although i may be broken, i am still complete.  I will take Old Bills lessons that i have received over the last seven years,  I will take his wisdom, i will take his stories, i will take his sayings.. and I will continue to make him proud.  This hurts so much,   this is overwhelming at times....... i try to run away from this emotional pain.  but i cannot,  I will feel the emptiness, the anxiety of him not being here, seeing the pain of my kids hurting, I will allow myself to be broken and empty.    I stayed until he left last night.... i just kept touching his arm, knowing that very soon I would not be able to touch his warm skin,  it was so beautiful and precious to watch him cross over......... and I kept my promise.   Old Bill, you never felt alone again, and  I stayed with you as you took your last breath,   Thank you my sweet friend, for loving me and my kids and my friends.  Life will never be the same,   but i am so glad a short time with you was better than never knowing you at all.    Bill without a doubt,  you were my greatest gift.   Until we meet again sweet man........ look up Mom and Dad and Chris and give them hugs from me.   I LOVE YOU