A part of my soul died last night

 In seven years I have never posted his picture,  You may have heard me talk about him,  but in general terms or as "Old Bill" and you may have remembered me post about him several years ago and how I came about finding him, and then keeping him.

https://sandi510.blogspot.com/2016/01/to-love-stranger.html  

 (please read the https to better explain what this man is to me,)  The day after I came back from my wonderful first camping trip, This sweet man became seriously ill and went to the hospital on July 19th,  he spent two weeks in ICU,  I don't feel it is my place to go into his illness details.  however he was very very ill,  

It has been so difficult to keep myself balanced.  I have cried daily and many times a day.  the not knowing,  the watching him suffer, the confusion and delirium he experienced, the pain he experienced the ups and down daily, sometimes hourly.  The first time that for once, his health and happiness was out of my control I just felt empty and so broken.   Yesterday with his blessing I made the decision to give it to God,  and we stopped the final medical procedure.  and we started on "Hospice protocol",   the doctor said that it could take a few weeks,  and the nurses told me at least a few days.   But i knew that Bill would be leaving on that day. within 8 hrs  he died the most peaceful death i have ever witnessed.

How do i even explain my connection to him, as i stated almost 6 years ago,  it was a connection of souls , it's like i knew him from heaven, and we had been buddies before.   People hear the story and they may think that  I saved him,  but no he SAVED me.  he made me a better person,  he encourage me to follow my dreams and be at peace with who i am.  He was so proud to be a stand in Dad to me, after all he knew Sam Hockenberry the great Elders Ridge Athlete, and he a Bell Avon Athlete.   And he loved my Kids,   he called them his grandchildren....  and the so may talks that they all had at his table, the wisdom and the stories he shared.   All three of my kids said to this day....... he had the greatest influence on them and to where they are right now.  I had coffee with him every day,  and sat and chatted with him every night for almost 7 years.  I was closer to him than i was with either husband.  He was my best friend,  and a true soulmate.   not the gushy kind that everybody seems to have when they first meet.  but true knowledge that we did not meet by accident.  the true knowledge that we will always be connected.   When he left yesterday, i felt a piece of my soul leave me and I felt so broken.  but then i realized today,  he left a piece of his soul with me....  so although i may be broken, i am still complete.  I will take Old Bills lessons that i have received over the last seven years,  I will take his wisdom, i will take his stories, i will take his sayings.. and I will continue to make him proud.  This hurts so much,   this is overwhelming at times....... i try to run away from this emotional pain.  but i cannot,  I will feel the emptiness, the anxiety of him not being here, seeing the pain of my kids hurting, I will allow myself to be broken and empty.    I stayed until he left last night.... i just kept touching his arm, knowing that very soon I would not be able to touch his warm skin,  it was so beautiful and precious to watch him cross over......... and I kept my promise.   Old Bill, you never felt alone again, and  I stayed with you as you took your last breath,   Thank you my sweet friend, for loving me and my kids and my friends.  Life will never be the same,   but i am so glad a short time with you was better than never knowing you at all.    Bill without a doubt,  you were my greatest gift.   Until we meet again sweet man........ look up Mom and Dad and Chris and give them hugs from me.   I LOVE YOU

Maiden Voyage ~~~~~~

and the Maiden Voyage is in the books...... and I will say it was absolutely a success.  When i went to pick up my camper, nobody was home.....and I actually hooked it up myself,  Chris came to get eggs and helped direct me to move the car up an inch so the ball would connect.....  I am so proud of my Subaru, she did an amazing job...... didn't even know I was pulling the camper,  I do have to learn how to adjust the electric brakes on the camper when i am driving......lets see,  the google directions missed the camping site by a mile or two,  I had to turn around while pulling. get to the camp sites and it is more primitive than most,  there was a shared electric box for our sites....  and no exact way to park,  while getting in the storage under the mattress for the electric cord to connect to the box,  I smashed my thumb ripped skin in three spots, including the lower nail bed,it did bleed a good bit......  and then let the fun begin.  I went with Chris and Larry, she surprised me with this a few weeks back.   They pretty much did their own thing, and just let me try things on my own.  they helped me put up the canopy as that takes two.  No sooner did we finish the basics of the camp site........and the rain began......... and it rained, and rained, and rained.  the first evening, a major thunderstorm.  it was so cozy to lay in the camper, watch the lightning, and listen to the rain on the metal roof, and the claps of thunder, it was the perfect first night.   up at 5 am made coffee, enjoyed the solitude, the cool mud that surrounded my feet.  listening to the birds slowly wake up,  and just being....  my mind needed this rest.  Just when I thought the rain would stay away......... it came again.  and sometimes with a force...  i had the absolute muddiest spot in the camp.... but i didn't mind that either.   Saturday the rain slowed down just enough for Larry to do the aged ribeye steaks Old Bill made for Us over the open fire,  along with baked potatoes foil wrapped and placed into the fire........ it was amazing, and of course as soon as we got the steaks completed....the rain started again, and it didn't stop until the next morning,  I crawled early into my little box turtle, I listened to an audible book, I listened to the rain, I listened to thunder..... and i cozily went to a wonderful sleep.   It was the perfect camping spot, the perfect weather,  and the company was perfect also..... they let me be,  they would stop over and check in , and i would go over there for a while.  but for the most part I was on my own.     maybe by the next trip i will have my graphics on,  but if not that is okay too.   I really like this camping thing....  instead of putting the photos on here,  I will post them separately on my Facebook page.   Have a blessed week, and find the time to take care of you!!!

I am really Struggling

 I am not used to feeling this way,  But it happens to the best of Us.  I am tired,  I am tired of giving my energy.  We all give and take energy... have you ever been around someone, and afterwards, you say..... "she sucked the life right out of me.  Or have you walked into a room with a group of people.... and made the comment " you could cut the tension with a knife".   We are Spirits, we are souls we are energy.  We all feel it even if we aren't aware of it.     

I have been a nurse for 32 years,  and in Psychiatry and addictions  for over 27 years.  and like i said in the past,   This is the worst that I have seen in terms of anxiety, depression, and addictions, mix this in with entitlement, and fear.........and we have a very bad situation.   People are scared, and need answers NOW,  however everyone thinks they should be first on the list...... when you have 20 to 30 patients to call.... How can everyone be first.   I triage all calls first thing in the morning....... obviously, crisis calls and suicide fear calls come first.  but as i am figuring out who to call first,  the messages keep coming in.... it doesn't stop,  each call takes time to "figure" out.  and during this time, the repeat callers are continuing to call 2, 3, and 4 more times.  It doesn't stop, the calls just don't stop.  and while i am doing this,  I still give Vivitrol shots.  do vitals and do UDS's on patients that need it..... and on top of that I see a small group of patients, almost like a counselor does, but more like a "Life Coach"     This is nobody's fault, it just Is what it Is...  my issue, which isn't a bad thing,  is i don't look at the calls as "numbers" or cases......... they are humans,  they are someone's mother, someone's child, someone's somebody.   and i want to give 100% to every beautiful soul.   even the ones that call a dozen times. are so anxious, it is the nature of their illness.  the addiction patients that are panicked because their medication isn't at the pharmacy on time....... to them it is a real fear, and prob scary as hell.  I get yelled at, and get nasty messages because i didn't answer them on my day off...... even so it is the nature of the beast called mental illness.     I just can't keep up anymore.... i noticed that I have 5 messages from Saturday on my nursing line.......... BUT i have to stop at some point.......   and   IT is what it IS!!!   This is mine to fix,  this is mine to let go.  and only I can know my limitations.

 7 years ago as many know, I started taking care of an elderly gentleman......... and since I have adopted him,  he is more like a father to me now.  but he isn't doing well,  I leave work and I come home to him,  it has been a bad week,  he has fallen a few times.  has gotten confused,  is calling me at 2 in the morning ( yes I am back in my own little apartment, within his apartment) thinking i am at work....  his lower legs look like raw hamburger,  i am cleaning them and dressing them when i am home.  I am tired. just tired

And this is why i need to take my little camper,  this is why i need nature,  this is why I need walks with God.... this is why i need to practice Qigong.   I need to build my energy up, so I can give it to others.  IF i do not take care of me...... I will not be able to do my life's calling.   Being a Nurse is not a career choice...... it is a calling.......... it is who i am , it is in my soul.    Both my elderly "patients" and my patients from work are NOT a burden.... they are gifts that teach me.... but dang i need to figure this out.

Please be kind to one another........ 

OH one more thing..........  I want to share with you the name of my camper........ it surprised me. and there is a story behind it.....  i will post that later...... But i do want to share with you what i found when i researched the meaning...... with this being said, you will see how this post and the name of my camper are connected.

Box Turtle Symbolism:

    When this symbol appears in your life, you must protect yourself from other people's dramas.  Those who drain your energy, and those that need more than they give.  Stay grounded, disengage from histrionics, and set your boundaries.  Retreat into your own space and refocus your efforts. 

the name of my camper is "  The Box Turtle....."

three days post op from oral surgery/ subaru meets teardrop

 Today is the third day since I had my wisdom tooth that was growing on a nerve taken out.  The doctor was very happy and said it came out in one piece and left minimal damage to the nerve it was sitting on..   the one growing into my sinus cavity was not touched..... not yet anyway.  for the first two days  I was groggy,  and just had no energy.   not even enough to write on my blog,   Today the third day,  was the first day I have experienced Jaw pain, shooting up toward my ear,   4 motrin helped that. after a while,  I am eating soft foods, but keeping it Keto and Sugar free.  I am also learning to be OFF work when i am off,   and i am learning to not feel guilty when i just can't do it anymore.... I plan on relaxing most of the weekend, and be ready to hit my work running on monday.........I just know it's going to be busy!!!  but i will just tackle it one patient at a time.................   soooooooooooooo   today was the day that my Subaru met my teardrop,   I have never pulled anything before and I was really scared,  i mean really scared.  Michael and Megan have been my biggest supporters in helping me make my "dream" come true.....  I love camping, and I love my independence and that is why i love this little camper.  which by the way i have the name.......... just waiting to get the graphics on it before i share.   Michael is the best teacher, he stayed calm,  made me do everything, backing up, hitching, and driving on the main roads, and then ultimately backing it up and parking it like I would on a camp site... I was on cloud nine,  first off the Subaru, is the best, she handled it so well, and most times i didn't even know I was pulling anything.  and the camper stayed stable and did not sway.... i will need to practice,   and i  just need to make myself do it...... I feel confident that I will eventually be able to go on my own ........ this is a good day.   and I am at peace,  please be patient with each other, and be kind.  Have a wonderful weekend

This and That and EVERYTHING in between!!!

Sometimes I forget that I am getting old, and then something reminds you... yes, yes you are !!!  It has been such a crazy week for me,   and I am constantly reminding myself, to take one day at a time, one moment at a time.  This is the busiest time since I started working in Psychiatry and Addictions 27 years ago that I can remember,  Society doesn't seem to handle what is thrown at them in this crazy world.  Last Friday my oldest Son opened a Pizzeria partnered with a bakery.  this has been his wish and hope for as long as I could remember.   Friday was to be a "soft" opening , meaning they weren't planning on being busy...... well that was wrong!!!  I walked into the shop right after i got my second shot ( talk more about that later)  and started to roll pizza dough into 14 inch round shapes, and never looked up for two hours..........standing there side by side with my previous Mother in law who is 84,  It was insane at times,   I was this middle age mad woman..... who was just learning to roll dough... as i said to others, the first one was shaped like the state of Florida, but it didn't take me long to make the circle.  The customers were all quite patient and understanding and kind.......... it is true most people are really really kind,  it warmed my heart.  I didn't stop until 9 hours later.  Just to go back and do it again the second day.  It was the third day, Sunday that I just couldn't function,  I didn't want to do anything, my body, my arm, hurt so bad and I didn't want to think,  I just wanted to sit around and watch "Wonder Years" and "Roseanne" reruns.   as a rule, i do not work the office on weekends,  but for the last two years, I always keep an eye on my office messages. but this past Sunday, I had several messages that i just couldn't look at.... i just didn't have another ounce of get up and go left.   now back to the shot.........i wasn't going to post this because it is such a sore spot for many (no pun intended, okay maybe a little pun)   I want it to be know,  I am NOT afraid of COVID,  and I am not afraid of the VACCINE......   and i am not going to get  into a political war on either side.....  but it was like this,  My work did not ask me to,  the people I babysit for did not ask me to and i never felt pressure.  I do not agree with the mask,  being in the medical field for over 30 years ,  I knew that many did not use it correctly. but i am a rule follower and a peacemaker so  I did and I did it with respect and without complaint, (well sometimes i complained)  I was not going to get the Vaccine, I never get the Vaccines so it wasn't something different at all.   However,  It was like this,  I have loved ones around me that really really believe in the Vaccine, and I am around their children,  I have several new babies coming into my life at the office,  and I know it would give them peace of mind.  SOOO since i am not afraid of the Vaccine...... I have too much Faith that God's got my back and I do not live in fear.  I went and got the shot.....  and I am fine.......not even sure if  I had a side effect from the second shot,  as I was exhausted, sore and tired by Sunday, but then again I AM getting older, and I stayed busy on my feet for two entire days......  so there was that!   Make today a good day, be kind to one another.  be selfless in your actions, makes it a good day for someone else........ Blessings

Unplugged..... rebooted...... and on my way again

 Here is a sneak peak of my camper,  still have so much I want to do to make it my own......  so excited to get my Subaru ready to pull her,  looking forward to practicing.  Like I said, I did this backwards..... camper first,  then prepare car, and then learn to tow and back up.  which name would you vote for

Pelican's Cove

Pelican's Pod

Eagle's Nest

Mama Bear's Den

feel free to give your thoughts, as I am going to decide what graphics to put on it very soon.  I wish i could explain how excited I am.   

The last time I posted was during a time when i didn't feel right,  I became lazy in how i eat and conduct myself....  and i had a few days in a row when i ate carbs, and some sweets... oh i didn't over eat by any means just ate the wrong things!  several meals in a row.   Wednesday I was on track, felt a little withdrawal from the sugar again,  but it only lasted a day.  Have been doing absolutely fine since.  Blood sugars are 106 average.   and 135 after a meal.  But oh how easy would it have been to just give up and start the old eating habits....... I have this blog and my viewers to thank, because you guys make me want to be a better me.  My brother Chris makes me want to be a better me

Please have a blessed week ahead, and choose to be kind to one another....... the world needs more kindness.....  

Sandi

Confession of a bad eating weekend, paying the price

 It has been a wonderful and busy 3 days.  although i wasn't at the office,  I was able to babysit really for the first time in a year and half, due to COVID...... I have been so busy, that i didn't get much chance to plan for my Eating....  and today i am paying the price,  there is no excuse,  no saying,  so what is a weekend???  Please understand, I  planned for a cookie at Christmas,  planned to eat a taste of desert on my birthday   I even plan when i can have a baked potato, or maybe a low carb tortilla and i do not have an option.  and then before i knew it one bite here or there led to other bites, too may bites and even a real grilled cheese. on real italian bread,  pretzel bites,  a tiny coldstone ice cream,  a few bites of chocolate cake,  cherry dessert......   you get the picture.  I COULD HAVE HAD ANY OF THIS at a given time    but on a rare occasion,  only in a one hour window, and only one of the treats,  and no more than one or maybe two times in a month.  and never consecutive days.......  it was just easier to eat what the kids were eating  (ages 5 and 8),   and I will NOT make that mistake again. Today i feel so drained and tired,  a little shaky,  and a little off.......I realized that I went 9 months with only a taste of real sugar ONLY 3 times.  birthday, christmas and Easter  that a weekend of sweets and carbs......... was a bad bad move.   This is real life folks and I have two options,  I can continue to eat like i did this weekend,  make these little excuses in my head.  OR i can do two weeks of strict Keto,  and continue on with Life as I now know it.......  and I have my Pelican on my arm to remember to continue on this healthy Journey to honor my Brother Chris.... Oh i should also mention,  I went hiking and exploring with the kids, and physically i was quite active the entire time..... so there is that!!   I am still babysitting this evening.......  and I will Not sway in my direction.....  this is my life, and it is what i make of it.   Please have a blessed day.  and be Kind to each other.