Living..... in Peace and Sadness

it has been a while since I posted,  I guess I can say my life has been status quo.   I am weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of Old Bills death.  it will only be two months since Scott died. and I notice that I have been missing Old Bill a lot lately.   I don't mind where I am in my life, and frankly I am happy being right here right now!!!!   I am really focusing on my health, and continue to feel better now than I did 20 years ago.....  I am on day 42 of not missing a Qigong session,  If you were to ask me if I am sad?  I would say No.  but if you were to ask me if i am through the roof happy,   I would say No.  but if you ask me if  am at peace, and do  I have joy in my heart.  I would say absolutely.    The world is crazy,  gas prices are through the roof,  so much mental illness and people struggling.  it is more important now than ever before to demand peace for myself. and to live for today and Trust that my tomorrow will be taken care of. .   There is a Qigong exercise that is "smiling from the heart" that i do daily .   Protect yourself from the negative energy out there,  don't let it destroy you.  demand your peace,  and keep the joy. but most importantly don't be the negative energy out there.  be kind to one another, even if you disagree........just be kind!!!  may you have a blessed week.  
 

Death~Grief~Life~Love

 I came home from a very healing time at the beach, to the Sparrow babies being born!!! its a blob of breathing down feathers.   I was worried that the mama, may be more protective now they hatched.  but she must trust me now, as she flew just far enough away to let me get in "MY" door,  how nice of her.  I limit my time in and out so i don't interrupt her too much.  it's too early to tell if all 5 hatched.

The week after Scott died, I had a couple days i couldn't shake it.... not grief,   I can do grief,  but it hit almost like I think depression would hit, it was that "emptiness" that i felt for a few days after Old Bill died.   you know i never even realized until my dear friend  brought this to my attention.  you know who you are and thank you.  In approx. 18 months time I lost 3 very important people in my life.  it wasn't like great aunt Ester that i saw twice when i was two years old......  these are people that were ingrained in my very heart and soul,   all so incredibly important, and all loved completely but in a different way!!!  My brother, who I have known my entire life, that shared my genetic makeup, Died suddenly and surprisingly in Sept, 30 2020.  Old Bill didn't even wait a full year,  He was an OLD soulmate of mine,  the entire time we were together, was in a way prepping for him to go home.   My great changes occurred during my time with him,  He was my best friend,  and my greatest gift.  I always said he was the Sun that stayed steady, so i could learn and grow as I revolved around him like the Earth does the sun.  He was old, and we knew his time was limited.  and this man that I have know for many years, suddenly our connection, our friendship started to slowly and gently turn into something pretty special,  I always loved Scott,  but it was exciting to see where this would have taken us....  we spent so much time in the last couple months, really getting to know each other,  we started to make plans, to go out and have some "old fashion fun" as he said .  But we will never know..  

All loved differently,  all grieving differently,  all in different stages of grief.  add that to the job I do, and the knowledge of how many people rely on my energy...  how many people in Crisis.  how many people i want to "fix and nurture"   and I knew I needed ME for a while.    This is truly the best place I have been in my entire life,  Mentally, Spiritually, Physically.   I am amazed how i am feeling,.   I have a lot of love and energy to give.  but now maybe I will make sure to "put the oxygen mask on me first" before i take care of others........ I think it will benefit us both.

Please be kind to one another,   and make sure you take care of you.

conversation with the Sparrow

  A week or so ago,  I notice dried grass on my door mat, thinking that the wind must have blown it there,  swept it up and thought nothing about it,  Easter Sunday coming back from Katie's ,   I noticed the grass back on my mat.  after some investigating I noticed what appeared to be a nest connected to my spring wreath ( I will show photos at the bottom of this post),  not as a separate entity, but as one connection,  my wreath, and the bird's nest.  This is my only way in my home it's not like I have another door.  I got my stepping stool to look into the nest and there was one egg (now 5)  the Momma Sparrow, flew about 3 feet away from me and gently scolded me, while perched on the railing.  What to do???  She and her partner worked so hard to make such a beautiful home for her offspring,  So i actually spoke with her..  (*yes my neighbors may think i am not right, )  and I told her we could make this work, but I would be using the door to go in and out of my home,  I told her I would be gentle while opening and closing the door knowing her babies will be there.  I told her she doesn't have to be fearful, and to continue what she was doing with the nest and one egg.  I asked her to please not air bomb me nor anyone else that comes to the door.  We have an understanding  now her and I,  When I leave my apartment i gently knock on the inside of the door to give her some warning that I will be opening it.  In the morning she usually just fly's to the railing 2  or 3 feet a way.  and she sits there and waits for me to leave,  I 'd like to think her gentle soft chirp is her telling me to have a nice day!  she isn't scolding me,   I've been scolded by her  before,  She is this beautiful Sparrow.   I'd like to think God sent her to me for some reason.   This sweet Bird came into my life the day my friend Scott died... so I like to think it's a message from above:   I guess a Sparrow symbolizes , Joy and Peace, Perseverance, Simplicity and Empowerment .....  Okay I will take that.

I am sad there is no mistaking it,  My best buddy Old Bill will be gone 9 months.   I lost my sweet dear friend Scott actually on Old Bill's Birthday.  I have had a few people private message me,  Did  I actually Love Scott?  and was he a "boyfriend"   Well of course I loved him,  he was easy to love, my entire family Loved him.   And I guess at my age (55)  what does the word "boyfriend" actually mean?  over the past few weeks, we shared our entire heart and soul with each other. he carried some issues with him, as we all carry ghosts of our pasts.   He asked me 3 weeks ago to be patient with him, as he was coming to the realization of a past issue, and he was hurting from it.   Yes I was falling for him, yes  I loved him, and yes we had made plans to see where the friendship would take Us.   I have so much faith and trust...... that he was to be in my life for an exact purpose, as I was in his life for the same.   I know of relationships that have been for 40 years,   but lacked honesty, commitment, friendship, and love.   and yes i knew Scott for years.....  but it was the last 5 months that we decided to see what happens.   I Thank God for those 5 months,  I thank God for allowing me to know Scotty inside and out, and I will not question why, or be angry why God took him home before we could even see what would happen  I miss him  so much, I can't stop thinking about him and my heart is broken.  but i continue to have that Peace and Joy that  I talk about often...... and by Grace I will be fine!!  today I cry...... and that is okay.

Please be Kind to one another,  enjoy today,  tomorrow isn't guaranteed!  

  

My responsibility ... and Nobody else!!!

I would like to say that "whatever" I was feeling last weekend, just went away the next day......  It did not,  and I sat with it most of the week.  On Wednesday I felt the energy shifting, and today although the situation didn't miraculously change.... My attitude did.  I sit here in my apartment, window open, fresh air,  a pot of fresh marinara and meatballs slow cooking.   My favorite music playing.  and a beautiful storm trying to form.......  I am so freakin Blessed I can't stand it sometimes.  sometimes I feel so guilty.

It really takes a lot of work to find and keep your inner peace.  and to have Faith to see, even when Blind and sometimes you just have to get on your knees and humbly pray!  And sometimes as I have said before,  God's answer is NO, or not yet.  and like a toddler I will have that temper tantrum and cry.  and then slowly once I am over the pity party.  I wipe my eyes, and start walking again.  

My peace and happiness  is nobody else's responsibility, but my own.  I try to talk to my children about this,  as it is the hardest thing in the world to do... but also the only way to truly open yourself to sacred Peace..... the peace that stays even if you're lonely, worried about finances, scared about society, our economy, have bad health, and a million other things.  and the hardest part about the "hardest part"  is trying to see your enemy or perceived enemy through their eyes and not your own.  it is so easy to accept a friend, or a like thinker....     but if not ..... then just watch the hate well up in your heart.......   you cannot have the peace  I am talking about if you have hatred, and fear in your heart....... there is NO WAY the two can live in the same soul.

my wish for you is to not ask but demand from yourself the Peace that  I am talking about.  I promise you  I go through this process daily!!!   Please be Kind to one another,  we are all in this together. the core of humanity all want the same thing....  

Feeling Sorry for MY self

 I wasn't going to blog this weekend, because frankly I  am feeling a little lonely,   I mean no offense to my daughter,  as I adore our time together,  it  isn't the same.  and frankly we would kill each other if we had to spend the entire weekend together,  Thank God for my apartment!  I  would love to cook for someone again, and I don't mean my coworkers and my daughter.  I would love to share an evening movie,  or walk hand in hand on a trail with someone.  Don't get me wrong I love my independence and freedom that comes with that.   I do not really know what has triggered this Sadness,  but  I do know that I will not run away from it,  and today I am having this little pity party for myself.... yes I am feeling sorry for myself.    I feel like that bird alone in the sunrise.(the photo ) I see the beauty around me, I see the sunrise,  but I am flying all alone.   It is funny how hard it is to be patient with God and His plan for me,  I've always trusted Him, and It seems I need this time for Me.  I have had more growth these last 7 months than I have had in my lifetime.  more Sadness, more joy, more acceptance and by far more Peace!!!!    I just don't know how an almost 55 year old  (in May) moves forward,  I guess this is where I must trust God's divine plan for me.  and I blindly move forward on the Trail of Faith.   I am different now, as we all are.   I have to be careful to not let self doubt enter my thoughts.  and negative feelings.  I guess it goes along with the "Pity Party" that I am having.  Please be kind to one another   love and blessings always 

It must be Faith over Fear

It isn't the first time this world has been "crazy" and it won't be the last!  Humans really do not change much,  and we've had these cycles since the beginning of time!  I was listening to an audible talk by a "monk" Richard Rohr.!  and as I was listening....  I thought he was talking about what was going on in this world Now.   there was a crisis issue with Czechoslovakia  and how it was feared that another World war would be fought. ..and everything he said in this talk about corrupt politicians and people in higher power everywhere.........   I was confused for a moment and literally stopped to check the date this book was published... It was 1992!!!  1992   That was 20 years ago.    has it always been this way????   I vaguely remember having "bomb drills" at school,  I remember when my parents couldn't find gas to put in the car. and the lines went on forever. 

I have been in the field of Psychiatry and Addictions now for 29 years, to date ... this is the absolutely worse that it has been. so many souls suffer from severe anxiety, depression, suicidal wishes, addictions, unable to sleep,  so much anger,  sadness, loneliness, and the absolute worse symptoms I am seeing........ is Hopelessness .   If we do not have Hope what do we have???

Fear and Faith cannot live in the same home........  they clash and cancel each other out.    It doesn't mean that sometimes I do not feel fear.....  I do and sometimes it takes the breath right out of me, and if i would let it, it would consume me and every action in my life.... I must make a conscious effort  to remind myself,   that we are all on this earth for just a brief moment.  and 100 years from now..... NOT one of you reading this will be here.     and  for me I Trust that my higher power, my God sees all, hears all and knows all.  and I know as I know he has my back!    With this Faith, comes a Peace and with this Peace, comes a joy and a LOVE from within that cannot be explained.  So whatever is happening in this world,  most of it I cannot control...... therefore I refuse to give it one inch of my energy.   What I can control, is How i treat a person,  I can control my Peace,   I can control my anger and my fear.   We are put on this earth, to help one another, to love one another....   I have said this a time before... but i would like to end with ........   WE CANNOT CHANGE THE WORLD,  BUT WE CAN CHANGE A WORLD OF A PERSON........ ONE PERSON AT A TIME!  be that change in a persons life,  the photo is the new mug i got for my morning coffee...... the words say it all BE KIND.    

Have a blessed day...... and find Joy in Living, breathing and Loving!!

A life time ago.......

 Monday will be 7 months since Old Bill went Home!   I do miss him, sometimes a lot.  some days it feels like it just happened yesterday, but sometimes it feels like a life time ago!!!  I drove past his old apartment the other day, and for the first time  I didn't feel that pang of sadness.  and it didn't even cross my mind that 7 months ago i was there, heart broken, and just didn't feel the sun would ever shine on me again,  I remember that empty feeling and that deep pain and sadness knowing I would never have coffee in the morning with that Old soul again.!!!  Nothing can heal the loss of a loved one, a true soul connection.  but Time...... it takes Time to heal, time to grieve, time to be angry, and time to accept, a time to laugh, a time to cry and a time to reflect.   

I am truly so happy,  I feel such joy in my heart,  and I am so happy that i am here... NOW!!!,   and I will still remember something and I cry.  even with my brother Chris, it's been almost 18 months..   I will see something, or think about him, or have the urge to text him something, and I remember  his Home isn't here anymore.... and I will cry.  but the emptiness is gone.....  and  I smile again! remembering him. and with my brother.......it always ends with a LAUGH!!!  because that is Chris.    

I love winter, always have......... but this year for some reason, I am looking forward to spring... this is my welcome mat and door wreath,  maybe early ......but Spring none the less.     I feel better now than at any given time in my life,  and I am looking forward to getting back out on the trails and getting my camper out and ready.   I am looking forward to Kayaking and maybe this year biking will work... last year I did it a few times, but it always irritated my knee........   we will see how this year goes :) 

I have completely recovered from COVID, I feel 100%   absolutely no issues.  I never strayed away from Keto,  not even a day.    My energy is through the roof,  my sleeping is good, and  I am blessed, in two months i will be 55 years old.....    And I honestly can do more now than i could do 20 years ago.  

God I thank you for your Grace in my life........ I couldn't do this world without you.    I have so much Faith that God is with me, he loves me, and he will surround me always.    Please be Kind to one another, and do not let fear take over your NOW your Today.   Love and Blessings