conversation with the Sparrow

  A week or so ago,  I notice dried grass on my door mat, thinking that the wind must have blown it there,  swept it up and thought nothing about it,  Easter Sunday coming back from Katie's ,   I noticed the grass back on my mat.  after some investigating I noticed what appeared to be a nest connected to my spring wreath ( I will show photos at the bottom of this post),  not as a separate entity, but as one connection,  my wreath, and the bird's nest.  This is my only way in my home it's not like I have another door.  I got my stepping stool to look into the nest and there was one egg (now 5)  the Momma Sparrow, flew about 3 feet away from me and gently scolded me, while perched on the railing.  What to do???  She and her partner worked so hard to make such a beautiful home for her offspring,  So i actually spoke with her..  (*yes my neighbors may think i am not right, )  and I told her we could make this work, but I would be using the door to go in and out of my home,  I told her I would be gentle while opening and closing the door knowing her babies will be there.  I told her she doesn't have to be fearful, and to continue what she was doing with the nest and one egg.  I asked her to please not air bomb me nor anyone else that comes to the door.  We have an understanding  now her and I,  When I leave my apartment i gently knock on the inside of the door to give her some warning that I will be opening it.  In the morning she usually just fly's to the railing 2  or 3 feet a way.  and she sits there and waits for me to leave,  I 'd like to think her gentle soft chirp is her telling me to have a nice day!  she isn't scolding me,   I've been scolded by her  before,  She is this beautiful Sparrow.   I'd like to think God sent her to me for some reason.   This sweet Bird came into my life the day my friend Scott died... so I like to think it's a message from above:   I guess a Sparrow symbolizes , Joy and Peace, Perseverance, Simplicity and Empowerment .....  Okay I will take that.

I am sad there is no mistaking it,  My best buddy Old Bill will be gone 9 months.   I lost my sweet dear friend Scott actually on Old Bill's Birthday.  I have had a few people private message me,  Did  I actually Love Scott?  and was he a "boyfriend"   Well of course I loved him,  he was easy to love, my entire family Loved him.   And I guess at my age (55)  what does the word "boyfriend" actually mean?  over the past few weeks, we shared our entire heart and soul with each other. he carried some issues with him, as we all carry ghosts of our pasts.   He asked me 3 weeks ago to be patient with him, as he was coming to the realization of a past issue, and he was hurting from it.   Yes I was falling for him, yes  I loved him, and yes we had made plans to see where the friendship would take Us.   I have so much faith and trust...... that he was to be in my life for an exact purpose, as I was in his life for the same.   I know of relationships that have been for 40 years,   but lacked honesty, commitment, friendship, and love.   and yes i knew Scott for years.....  but it was the last 5 months that we decided to see what happens.   I Thank God for those 5 months,  I thank God for allowing me to know Scotty inside and out, and I will not question why, or be angry why God took him home before we could even see what would happen  I miss him  so much, I can't stop thinking about him and my heart is broken.  but i continue to have that Peace and Joy that  I talk about often...... and by Grace I will be fine!!  today I cry...... and that is okay.

Please be Kind to one another,  enjoy today,  tomorrow isn't guaranteed!  

  

My responsibility ... and Nobody else!!!

I would like to say that "whatever" I was feeling last weekend, just went away the next day......  It did not,  and I sat with it most of the week.  On Wednesday I felt the energy shifting, and today although the situation didn't miraculously change.... My attitude did.  I sit here in my apartment, window open, fresh air,  a pot of fresh marinara and meatballs slow cooking.   My favorite music playing.  and a beautiful storm trying to form.......  I am so freakin Blessed I can't stand it sometimes.  sometimes I feel so guilty.

It really takes a lot of work to find and keep your inner peace.  and to have Faith to see, even when Blind and sometimes you just have to get on your knees and humbly pray!  And sometimes as I have said before,  God's answer is NO, or not yet.  and like a toddler I will have that temper tantrum and cry.  and then slowly once I am over the pity party.  I wipe my eyes, and start walking again.  

My peace and happiness  is nobody else's responsibility, but my own.  I try to talk to my children about this,  as it is the hardest thing in the world to do... but also the only way to truly open yourself to sacred Peace..... the peace that stays even if you're lonely, worried about finances, scared about society, our economy, have bad health, and a million other things.  and the hardest part about the "hardest part"  is trying to see your enemy or perceived enemy through their eyes and not your own.  it is so easy to accept a friend, or a like thinker....     but if not ..... then just watch the hate well up in your heart.......   you cannot have the peace  I am talking about if you have hatred, and fear in your heart....... there is NO WAY the two can live in the same soul.

my wish for you is to not ask but demand from yourself the Peace that  I am talking about.  I promise you  I go through this process daily!!!   Please be Kind to one another,  we are all in this together. the core of humanity all want the same thing....  

Feeling Sorry for MY self

 I wasn't going to blog this weekend, because frankly I  am feeling a little lonely,   I mean no offense to my daughter,  as I adore our time together,  it  isn't the same.  and frankly we would kill each other if we had to spend the entire weekend together,  Thank God for my apartment!  I  would love to cook for someone again, and I don't mean my coworkers and my daughter.  I would love to share an evening movie,  or walk hand in hand on a trail with someone.  Don't get me wrong I love my independence and freedom that comes with that.   I do not really know what has triggered this Sadness,  but  I do know that I will not run away from it,  and today I am having this little pity party for myself.... yes I am feeling sorry for myself.    I feel like that bird alone in the sunrise.(the photo ) I see the beauty around me, I see the sunrise,  but I am flying all alone.   It is funny how hard it is to be patient with God and His plan for me,  I've always trusted Him, and It seems I need this time for Me.  I have had more growth these last 7 months than I have had in my lifetime.  more Sadness, more joy, more acceptance and by far more Peace!!!!    I just don't know how an almost 55 year old  (in May) moves forward,  I guess this is where I must trust God's divine plan for me.  and I blindly move forward on the Trail of Faith.   I am different now, as we all are.   I have to be careful to not let self doubt enter my thoughts.  and negative feelings.  I guess it goes along with the "Pity Party" that I am having.  Please be kind to one another   love and blessings always 

It must be Faith over Fear

It isn't the first time this world has been "crazy" and it won't be the last!  Humans really do not change much,  and we've had these cycles since the beginning of time!  I was listening to an audible talk by a "monk" Richard Rohr.!  and as I was listening....  I thought he was talking about what was going on in this world Now.   there was a crisis issue with Czechoslovakia  and how it was feared that another World war would be fought. ..and everything he said in this talk about corrupt politicians and people in higher power everywhere.........   I was confused for a moment and literally stopped to check the date this book was published... It was 1992!!!  1992   That was 20 years ago.    has it always been this way????   I vaguely remember having "bomb drills" at school,  I remember when my parents couldn't find gas to put in the car. and the lines went on forever. 

I have been in the field of Psychiatry and Addictions now for 29 years, to date ... this is the absolutely worse that it has been. so many souls suffer from severe anxiety, depression, suicidal wishes, addictions, unable to sleep,  so much anger,  sadness, loneliness, and the absolute worse symptoms I am seeing........ is Hopelessness .   If we do not have Hope what do we have???

Fear and Faith cannot live in the same home........  they clash and cancel each other out.    It doesn't mean that sometimes I do not feel fear.....  I do and sometimes it takes the breath right out of me, and if i would let it, it would consume me and every action in my life.... I must make a conscious effort  to remind myself,   that we are all on this earth for just a brief moment.  and 100 years from now..... NOT one of you reading this will be here.     and  for me I Trust that my higher power, my God sees all, hears all and knows all.  and I know as I know he has my back!    With this Faith, comes a Peace and with this Peace, comes a joy and a LOVE from within that cannot be explained.  So whatever is happening in this world,  most of it I cannot control...... therefore I refuse to give it one inch of my energy.   What I can control, is How i treat a person,  I can control my Peace,   I can control my anger and my fear.   We are put on this earth, to help one another, to love one another....   I have said this a time before... but i would like to end with ........   WE CANNOT CHANGE THE WORLD,  BUT WE CAN CHANGE A WORLD OF A PERSON........ ONE PERSON AT A TIME!  be that change in a persons life,  the photo is the new mug i got for my morning coffee...... the words say it all BE KIND.    

Have a blessed day...... and find Joy in Living, breathing and Loving!!

A life time ago.......

 Monday will be 7 months since Old Bill went Home!   I do miss him, sometimes a lot.  some days it feels like it just happened yesterday, but sometimes it feels like a life time ago!!!  I drove past his old apartment the other day, and for the first time  I didn't feel that pang of sadness.  and it didn't even cross my mind that 7 months ago i was there, heart broken, and just didn't feel the sun would ever shine on me again,  I remember that empty feeling and that deep pain and sadness knowing I would never have coffee in the morning with that Old soul again.!!!  Nothing can heal the loss of a loved one, a true soul connection.  but Time...... it takes Time to heal, time to grieve, time to be angry, and time to accept, a time to laugh, a time to cry and a time to reflect.   

I am truly so happy,  I feel such joy in my heart,  and I am so happy that i am here... NOW!!!,   and I will still remember something and I cry.  even with my brother Chris, it's been almost 18 months..   I will see something, or think about him, or have the urge to text him something, and I remember  his Home isn't here anymore.... and I will cry.  but the emptiness is gone.....  and  I smile again! remembering him. and with my brother.......it always ends with a LAUGH!!!  because that is Chris.    

I love winter, always have......... but this year for some reason, I am looking forward to spring... this is my welcome mat and door wreath,  maybe early ......but Spring none the less.     I feel better now than at any given time in my life,  and I am looking forward to getting back out on the trails and getting my camper out and ready.   I am looking forward to Kayaking and maybe this year biking will work... last year I did it a few times, but it always irritated my knee........   we will see how this year goes :) 

I have completely recovered from COVID, I feel 100%   absolutely no issues.  I never strayed away from Keto,  not even a day.    My energy is through the roof,  my sleeping is good, and  I am blessed, in two months i will be 55 years old.....    And I honestly can do more now than i could do 20 years ago.  

God I thank you for your Grace in my life........ I couldn't do this world without you.    I have so much Faith that God is with me, he loves me, and he will surround me always.    Please be Kind to one another, and do not let fear take over your NOW your Today.   Love and Blessings

Quarantined 10 days off the grid

If i wasn't feeling so amazing before hand,  i may have not known I was ill.  two weeks ago I suddenly felt achy and chilled. and had a low grade fever (100.5).  I went to the local clinic to take a Covid test  (*rapid results) and it was negative.   The fever only lasted 24 hours, and the body aches diminished when the fever did.  I did have my annual sinus and ear issues so assumed the fever came from that.  the two things i noticed different was a "burning" sensation in my nasal passages and in my throat, and I felt so tired very quickly.  took another Covid test again negative,    I couldn't pinpoint it but finally last Sunday, i took the At home Covid test and it came back positive.  arranged immediately to go to the clinic had my 4th Covid test completed, but this one we sent out to a lab  understand at this point i had self quarantined already for a few days. 48 hours later i received another Covid Positive !!!    It never affected my lungs,   it has blunted my taste but not completely,   such an odd little Virus,   I was able to work from home for the most part, but after 2 days i experienced a headache so bad my eyes wouldn't focus, and my throat (from talking on the phone with patients) burnt so bad and I lost my voice.  I literally took two day off..... and did nothing but rest, drink my Chi Tea, my ketones and my mineral supplements. it was odd to nap, but I just went with it.  even yesterday I took two one hour naps..... and still went to bed at the normal time and slept well.!!!   I continued with my keto diet , but obviously no heavy bag boxing going on two weeks now....  I am being mindful of my body, and just allowing it to do its thing,  healing me slowly and steadily.... I am glad that I had both of my vaccines.  and I am glad i have been so healthy for so long, I think both helped.     Okay and i must admit,  being Quarantined is bitter sweet.    And  I can see how easily it would be to become a recluse,  but in the same sense this is like day 14 and I am ready to go to the office tomorrow...  I will start with 8 hour days and go from there.  please be kind to one another, and find peace in the moment,  wherever whatever that may be..... 
 

Plugging away/Routine/6 months

Tomorrow will be 6 months since my buddy Old Bill left this earth,  I miss him but in an odd way I have so much peace about where he is,  and I have peace where I am.  The soul connection isn't broken with death, it really isn't.. It just is a new way of learning how to connect, a new way of Loving.  a new way of communicating.  he truly was my greatest teacher, and the way we met, was no accident or coincidence ...  it was a Divine plan.   I am still finding such newness and joy in my apartment,  it's odd,  it feels like a very nice hotel, or a vacation home... there is still such an excitement when I come home, and the energy in this little tiny apartment is so so peaceful.  

I am so glad I am beyond the "keto diet"  and have gently moved into "keto living".   Honestly I can say Keto isn't for everyone, and if you can't give it 100%  i think it is safe to say, and it is my opinion,  that you can't do it half assed.   you can't eat increased fat one meal, and chocolate cake and fries and a burger the next meal.... you miss the concept of teaching your body to use fat as fuel.    but I digress......   I continue to feel so so good,   the energy is through the roof,  last week  I ended up

adding "nannying" to my work schedule. which means i didn't get home for three consecutive days until it was bedtime.  easily left my apartment for a good 14 hours a day.  Thursday was a normal work day,  and home by 5:15.  and this is what has changed in me...... after chilling for a while, a part of me did not want to do my heavy bag boxing routine,  but as soon as I started I felt my energy return... and it felt so good.  I am noticing since i started doing this (first time 1/14,) when I could only do 10 minutes.   and my heart rate stayed in the peak zone 

most of those ten minutes.  I now have to add squats, burpees, jumping jacks, and jogging  into my 25 minute routine, to even get into my "cardio heart rate"   I guess this is a good thing, and my heart is getting in shape.   my resting heart rate has dropped 10 points in five weeks.   my blood sugars are always normal, and i test my blood ketones and they too are always in the zone.  I have no muscle or body aches. I just know my brother Chris is happy, but i am sure he'd find something to razz me about!!!!  i am guess that the inflammation in my body has been resolved by not eating sugar, simple carbs, and processed foods... time will tell

Keto meals I will be making or have made this weekend,  are Chicken Cordon Blue casserole,  Jalapeno Popper soup,  may make chocolate chip cookies, and plan on making Mascarpone Mousse.   the photo shows my first ever Keto Crust made with ground chicken.  my Son Andrew was the "tester".  I must admit i was leery and it sorta even grossed me out...  but all i can say is WOW!!!   Andrew said so far this was the best Keto Pizza he ever had (photo)  If i didn't know I would not have guessed that it was Keto.    the other photo is my basic breakfast when i am home.   2 eggs, bacon, sausage and one tiny street taco size low carb tortilla ....   i am only eating two meals,  my appetite is suppressed, and I may throw in a low carb snack.

so this was a long and boring blog entry,  I know I have had emails asking me what I do, etc.  and I know i still don't post that often.   and this post i touched base on it all

Please have a blessed day, and be kind to one another,  may Grace and Peace surround you.