An Edge of Sadness to my Joy

 Someone sent me this photo  via private message this morning,  It was so thoughtful that she took the time to send this to me...... the photo really has touched me.... to me, it seems like the Pelican is praying, there is a beautiful sadness i feel when i look at this photo.  My brother will be gone a year this week.   I think about Anne often, and marvel how she goes on.  I then think about my Sister, who lost her husband not too long after Chris Died and she too goes on with a mixture of Sadness and joy.   And Old Bill wasn't a spouse, but just my best old Friend that I ever had.    I keep imagining him saying,  I had to die so you could live.... you see he was getting worse physically and needed more and more help.  and his mind was starting to get "confused" on and off, it scared him. He was living in constant pain.  however I wouldn't have minded.... I would have taken care of him even if he lived to be 94 (his grandpap's age when he died)   and at this point I would have been like 67.  and lets be honest, Hockenberry genes do not have living a long life on their side. just sayin'    

I am so excited about my apartment, prob more than the average person getting a place, because you see, I am 54.... i waited a long time for this. and i find Joy in the most simple of things..... from Curtains, to the perfect color of paint, to a pillow!!   My heart is filled with JOY, about my apartment, my friends and family, My job, my patients......about my Life...  but with this joy right now, i sense an edge of Sadness,  not debilitating, or gut retching ......but it is there, sitting quietly in the corner of my soul,   honestly I usually do not have that so I am guessing it is Grief.   and I am okay with it,  I am not trying to run away from it or hide..... It isn't just the grief from Missing my Brother, or Old Bill,  I am grieving what NOW i perceived many years ago....  growing old with someone so yeah I guess i am even grieving my past marriages,  I am grieving my parents leaving me early...  

With this being said,   I wouldn't change one second of my life, not one second.  and I know and I have this incredible Faith, that THIS IS WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE!!!   this is my NOW,  perfectly orchestrated and planned by God Himself. ...    

Please have a blessed day..... and for you today  I ask that you just enjoy your NOW!!!!  

Peaks and Valley of Joy and Grief

Sometimes it feels like Time is standing still,  and sometimes it feels like it is moving warp speed.  NOT sure if i want either!  Old Bill got sick in July, and it will soon be October.  I think about my brother Chris, that just in a week it will be one year,   I think about  Anne, and my sister Andrea who lost her husband shortly after my brother died.  And i wonder how do they do it, how do they go on.   But we are resilient as human beings. and for the most part we go on.  I didn't lose a spouse, or a child.... gosh, I couldn't even imagine.  But I did lose my best friend.  I am so happy with my "NOW", and i am finding Joy having my own little space is comforting.  oh it's scary too, and the first night here I was very sad and missing my old friend.  But somehow, I knew this was home to me the second i walked past it.  You see long story..... this place I didn't even know about,  I had my heart set on another place,  ..  and when i didn't get the one I thought i wanted,  i was heartbroken for one minute... and then i just said "okay God you have another place for me,  I'll trust you!"   My daughter drove past this apartment complex, (they don't advertise like the other apartments do).   I called the next morning.  and went to check it out two hours later.   she showed me the three apartments that were available.  I liked them.... as we were walking back to the office.. i walked past this apartment...... and just felt an incredible sense of peace,  I said to the lady....  I want this one.   she just looked at me and said the gentleman JUST MOVED OUT YESTERDAY!   and it would not be ready for a while as it will be getting new carpet and flooring and paint etc.  I said that was okay I could wait, but that  I wanted this one........ we went to the office,  signed the contract,  I paid the first month rent to hold the apartment and then i waited.     IT is perfect,  and i am glad i listened to my gut.      I was thinking that with Grief there is Joy, and i could tell you story after story of moments of Joy.....  I guess this is just life though and  I wouldn't want to change it.   and  I will continue to Love with all of my heart, knowing with such Love comes pain....... but Loving my life is so worth it.      I usually end with be Kind to others,  but today I want to end with be Kind to yourself,  Love you first...... and then loving others is so much easier.......Have a blessed day  

 

Solitude Vs Isolation

I am really enjoying my alone time right now,   my hikes, I am going by myself,  and even Katie seems to understand this as she usually pouts when I tell her i don't want her to come.  I should be able to move into my apartment next week.  Staying with Katie has been wonderful,  but both her and I need to get back to a routine,  hers is to get back to the way it was before i moved in completely.   And my routine, will be something new and completely different that I will be starting and forming.  

I absolutely love my job, and who i am working for and with. I am learning to work full time in one place.   I have always worked part time, but for many years i had two or three part time jobs.   so most of my week is very busy.   and on a weekend if i had the choice to go to a party, or sit at home and listen to a book,   I would pick being at home every time.    I don't feel lonely or isolated.   I feel peaceful, content and joyful.  It has taken me 54 years, but I am finally learning to love who I am, where I am in the moment,  I am learning to forgive myself for my past,  and not worry about my future...... I am learning the peace and joy in Living for Today ONLY!!!    So i do balance my solitude with social and it works for me.   I think the thing i am looking forward to the most in having my own place is the freedom to wake up early in the morning,   Katie does not mind but when i stir, the pets stir and then of course Katie wakes up ...... 5 am is just a little too early for her LOL.     Please be at peace, be Kind to one another.... and the next time you're alone,  take a moment to do a self check........... are you in a space of Solitude? or are you in a space of Isolation?
 

Hatred~~~>Toxic~~~>Self Harm!!!

 It has been a crazy surreal almost two months,  and again my life has taken a totally sudden and immediate different direction.   Yes of course i still miss my buddy Old Bill,  and i think about him everyday.  yes i will sometimes cry,  BUT i find myself being "me",  laughing and joking.  and feeling this sense of overwhelming peace and calm.   I feel excitement about where I am going,  oh i don't know where i am going, but i am sure it is going to be amazing.  as i mentioned before,  Two weeks ago, the most amazing beautiful miracle took place,  that has absolutely changed the course of my life.. you would think the power of God that I witnessed may have made me more Pious and more cocky in self righteous bull sh*t.....  But it did the opposite, and i have crashed down on my knees, and have been so humbled,   I see the humanity in you, and i see the fragile human being that I am...   and sometimes I need to catch my breath,  and remember to breath deeply with the knowledge that there is indeed a higher power.   Two weeks ago there were four "strangers" whom i never met, and whom i "hated"  and in literally a minute,  they became 4 souls whom i somehow knew that I loved with all my heart for almost forever..... and I know I will always love them....  I know this is a pretty "deep" post,  I don't understand it either,  I just now accept it, and sometimes i don't need to know why, or how......but that it just IS!

I can't pick and choose who i love or who I hate,... or can I?   its funny how i can justify why I hate someone,  (we all do it,  so if you say i hate no-one...... then you're lying),  Hatred is a toxic thing to the heart and to the soul, it eats away at your joy and peace.  Hatred is a parasite, it can't feed itself, it has to eat off of you,  when you hate it consumes your thoughts, and your happiness.   You know what I am talking about,  we have all been there.   

it isn't easy, and every morning I start all over again,   I remember a saying  from the Anne of Green Gables series that  i watched 30 plus years ago. (damn i am getting old)  that when you wake up tomorrow,  your day starts with No mistakes in it.......... yet!!!!.    So here I am this morning, no mistakes yet........ and I ask God to help me protect my peace, and help me to love what i deem unlovable. 

Peace be with you, and be kind to one another