TRUE HERO

  The definition of a Hero: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities  

I have started a few post, but never felt like posting, so i deleted them.  and I think today I want to talk about my true heros, my office, my coworkers the other 1/2 of my life.

It has been a bad week for may of our patients.  The severe anxiety, the panic, the deep depression the feeling of such profound loneliness and hopelessness.   Talking to them yesterday, I could literally feel their pain deep within my own soul. and after my fourth "phone call" yesterday... i took a moment to just cry.  I am not ashamed of crying, and some professionals would tell me not to get so connected, or attached.  I have been doing this for 27 years, and the day i do not feel connected is the day I am going to retire.  This isn't my job this is my life's calling, my life's work.   And i remember sitting at my desk in amazement yesterday, that I have the honor of being in these beautiful human beings lives at their darkest moments... WOW. 

My patients are my true hero's,  not movie stars, or actors, or professional sport players  BUT the Patients that  I come in contact with,  those people that are fighting addiction of drugs and alcohol and winning.   yes they are winning even when they fall or relapse, because they get back up again and continue on in treatment.  The severely depressed patient, that fights to get out of bed in the morning and fights just to live. but they fight none the less.  The patient that is so anxious they can't get to sleep,  they can't stop their brain from running a sprint in their minds, can't slow their heart beat to a comfortable rhythm ... but they wake up ever day and try again.   I have a pt in mind that i see next week,  he will come in for his appointment,  he will sit in that chair, with this incredible smile.........and he will tell me exactly how many days he has been sober........ he will be up to like 160 days.   He is my hero, and I am so proud of him and he makes my heart smile.

So many of us including me at one time used to want to "fix" them,  but we cannot fix anybody,  The only person that can fix someone is themselves.  and they do not need to hear,  just stop it,  just go to bed and go to sleep, or just wake up and get out of bed.   Just don't take that drink, or that pill, or that hit...( damn if it was that easy )  What that patient needs is someone to jump in that dark lake with them, just to hold them and let them know they are worth saving themselves, no judgement but understanding.  no criticism but love.  not to discourage but encourage. and finally not to reject who they are but to accept who they are.

And finally to the two really grumpy pharmacist that i spoke to this week,  that made it sound like my patients were a piece of trash because they are on controlled substances, and call you in a panic.  Just remember Sirs'   " THERE, BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD, GO I"  

This chair in this room is for anyone that wants to sit there for a moment,   I will gladly share the light and energy God has given me in conversation or in silence,  patient or coworker,   it is always my pleasure and honor. 

PLease be kind to one another,  we all have the ability to share energy of peace,  Blessings

Empowered

 Yesterday a dear friend asked me how do I go home now that I am alone,  both her and I have never really experienced this before.   It is really hard to answer how I feel,  she wanted to know what I do to pass the time.  I've only been in my place for a couple of weeks.  and I am still adjusting.  At first I wanted to tell her to stay busy.... fill the time with any activity you can think of.  this is partially true...... but not quite!!!   I remember last weekend I really really missed Old Bill, and I did a lot of crying,  talking with his daughter really helped me,  going to Katie's and hanging with the pups really helped too. But when it was said and done I came to an empty house,  before two months ago,  I always came home to a sweet old man, my best friend, a cup of tea, and a chat about the day at his old table,  this was never missed.  and the same thing with my mornings...... a cup of coffee at the old table talking about my plans for the day, and snippets of  wisdom from Old Bill.   When i brought this up to my Sister in Law Anne the other day, saying how "odd it is to be alone"  I was expecting her to tell me how hard it is.......after all Her and My brother were truly best friends,  and they had been together for years.. so i can't even imagine the void of being alone in the house they shared,    I really feel Anne's one word started my directional change in attitude,   she told me it was "EMPOWERING".    

I mauled that one word around for a day or two, and you know what??  she is right.  I feel empowered.  This past weekend,   I didn't cry once,  I went Kayaking,   I watched a really good movie,  I went over to Katies to wash my laundry.   But there were times  I came home,  just to sit,  just to reflect, Just to be with me.   I decided  I didn't have to runaway from being "alone"  I had to embrace it,  it is what it is.  IT is my NOW!   It is 100% our choice to change the attitude to a positive one........ and I choose to embrace being alone,  after all I am not alone, I am never alone!!!  and I have incredible family, friends, and my coworkers are in a beautiful class by themselves.  

My apartment has became my very own sanctuary,  when i walk in here, there is an incredible energy of peace, safety and comfort.  I always look forward to coming home,   its like the softest blanket covering my soul.   And my favorite time of the day is 5 am,  I wake up, not bothering anyone,  put on my favorite music, sit in old Bills chair,  drink coffee out of my favorite mug.... and I write in my journal, I write letters to God,  ( at this point i don't share them, they are just between He and I.)  there is so much comfort  doing this.  and when  I step out of my home, and turn the key to lock the door....... and walk to my car......  I feel peace, I feel blessed............. and I feel Empowered !!!    Choose to have a blessed and empowered day today,  choose to be kind to one another, choose Love