Perspective

This photo shows what silence looks like. Depending on your perspective,   It is either peaceful or depressive!!

I have enjoyed my two days off.  I go back tomorrow but I don’t mind and I am looking forward to it. 

I didn’t realize I am building stamina with my new job,  I mean how many years was I at a desk job? 18??  Today Katie and I went for a walk before she left for work.   And I couldn’t get my heart rate up and I just felt good.  When I had my office job I was lucky to hit 3000 steps.  And now it’s rare if I don’t hit 10,000 to 12,000. 

My apartment is my sanctuary, and 16 months later I still get so excited coming home to it …. Hope that sticks with me.   Today I am really missing Scott,  he died 9 months next week.  Oh what could have been.   Such a good man gone too early.   It’s rare that I feel lonely. But I did today and that is okay.  It wasn’t a punch in the gut lonely. It didn’t throw me into the depths of despair…..just a gentle sadness missing a special friend.    Tomorrow will be a new day.      Please be kind to one another   You just never know what that person is going through    Blessings 

 

Adjustments;

Last year was such an adjustment for me to say the least, but Change doesn't mean bad.... and sometimes at these moments, perceived bad things happen!!  not because the Universe is out to get you, but sometimes as humans we need help with the sharp turns that ultimately change our direction.  it is totally up to us to decide to see the beauty in the new path,  or decided to be victimized by the unknown road,   I wish i had this "wisdom" that comes with age when I was in my twenties, but  I guess it doesn't work that way.  Because i wasted too much time "feeling sorry for myself.    My year started with losing a very dear friend,  Scott, and ending with losing the greatest man I ever knew, My father in law Al,  (just can't put X in front of his name)  Watching my kids and the family let Pappy Al go with so much love and dignity, I am so proud of that family every single one,   This world is not the same with out Pappy Al, but his legacy lives on with his Boys and his Grandchildren, they all carry apart of his Kindness and Love.    

A few years back when S'eclairer was taken over by Journey. I really thought this was where  I would retire from.  And i embraced the job, and so enjoyed my patients... small uncomfortable things started happening during the beginning of 2022,  and  I can remember feeling uneasy, but talking myself out of it....  but i was a roller coaster of emotions.   I sat back and watched a few things happen, but said nothing, but I knew...it was a feeling I could not shake.   it really had nothing to do with an individual person, actually truly nobody else has power over my destiny, I trust God and my Faith so much  I do not question, blame or find answers.   In October of 2022 I left this job in blind faith....  let me tell you, this was very scary for me, and I shed a lot of  tears, leaving Journey, My friends, my Patients..... and here I am working in a Nursing Home,  I can't even express how happy  I am with this move...  I am so Happy and and Peace that I truly don't have words to explain,    Is it hard work?  Hell yes,  as anywhere else is there drama? yup.   at first did my feet and legs absolutely kill me?   yes again.   but none of this matters.  dancing in the hallway with a patient,  watching the patients face light up when they are handing out Halloween treats to the kids,  having the patients call you by name after only a couple shifts working,  holding the hand of an  Alzheimer's patient when they are so scared and they calm down.   it is such an incredible honor to be able to care for these beautiful souls that are coming to the end of their time on earth.....  this job makes me happy.  Not to mention that I fill my gas tank up once a month now,  i do not dread going to work,  my feet have adjusted very well, yesterday I did my first 12 hour shift,  I was worried this would have killed me, I mean I am not a young chick anymore,  but i had no problem ... i am sure i couldn't do too many though. 

If someone would ask me today,   look back on your life.......... what would you say was the best part of your life????   I would say it is Today, it is right NOW!!!!   and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I waste no time in Regret of the past,  and I spend no time Wish what can be in my future.  

May 2023 be filled with Peace and Grace.   May my friends find Joy in their Today, their NOW!!!!!
 

such a beautiful sadness

 it has been such a few weeks........I didn't blog or put it on facebook because it wasn't my story to tell,  and if it involves someone else, i will not post it unless I get permission....My daughter has given the go.

i just erased an entire blog post,  I just can't seem to do it...... I can't find the words.  so let me just do a simple version.

Katie, lost the two souls she has loved more than anything in 3 weeks time.  Her Dog Izzy, who was her best friend for 15 years and her Pappy Al,   first Izzy and then less than 3 weeks later her Pap.  

I had the honor to be with Izzy when she took her last breath.  and I have been humbled and honored to be apart of the Hospice process with Pap.  this man is the greatest man that  I have ever known. such a beautiful man.    and how lucky was I to be married into this family at one time.  Albert and I may have been divorced for 25 years, but there is no doubt that he is a good man, and has been an amazing father all of these years.  Pap has three sons,  three amazing sons, that all share a little of Pappy Al's soul within them  and the strength of Grandma is amazing.   I have been around many many people over the years when they have left this earth.......But in my 34 years I have never felt the love that surrounded this family throughout  the entire 48 hours he was in hospice.  it was truly such a sacred time.  and I thank God for allowing me to be present went this man left this earth......  i will never forget, never forget!!!

Katie loves her grandparents, even more than she loves her mom and dad... she always has, and I am more than okay with that.  but i am so proud of her, and how she handled such tragic times, and how she has found the positive and beauty in the process....    My boys feel the same.     during this time, I came to realize that although Albert and I have been divorced for 25 years......  we both must have done something right, to have the the three kids we do.......... Albert we did good.  :)   and I wouldn't change a second of my life with you.........it gave us Katie, Drew and Sam..     

Five months Later

I haven't blogged in almost forever,  I have been blogging for over 20 years and I miss it.   I needed to take time just for Me to process so much over the past year.  I would say it has been my best and most difficult Journey yet.  But this journey has also strengthened my Faith in a way that I can't even find the words to explain it!!!   My dearest old friend,  Bill has been gone for 15 months,  My sweet friend Scott has been gone almost 7 months. and basically the only career I have known for 28 + years came to an end one month ago on this day.   I am perpetually happy and optimistic, I know some people are so miserable that happy people annoy the shit out of them.  but i promise those people, that  I too suffer at times,  I am scared, lonely, anxious, sad...  (so take joy in that)  The one major, and probably the only component that gives me profound peace, is my Faith,  and the absolute knowledge that I do not walk this earth alone,  I am not religious, nor do I even go to a church,  haven't in two decades.  

I have known for at least six months, that God was leading me away from one of the best jobs I ever had,   I was a roller coaster of emotions, which never really happened to me before.  My coworkers and friends were a little concerned as they weren't used to seeing me so anxious and upset.   and in time I realized that the "conflicts" that were coming and the "issues" that were happening, absolutely needed to happen,  so i could fulfill God's Divine plan for me I was forced to leave my comfort zone,  not because of my employers nor because of a coworker....But God choosing  another direction for me.     

Before i got my new Job,   I was so nervous,  and anxious that "it" wouldn't happen,  I left the only income that I had,  and I stepped out in Total Trust, and Blind Faith,  ....  I never thought in a million years that I would end up working in a nursing home, let alone a Nursing home 2 miles from me, and a wage that is almost double what i was making before,  not necessarily to make more money, as it isn't about making more, but making "enough" so that i can live independently,  I have less hours now, less travel,  and what an incredible honor to be with souls as they are preparing to leave this earth sooner than later.....  A few weeks later,  I am again filled with incredible joy and peace.   I have become so humbled and Grateful....  yes my peace and joy has been restored...  

On the health/diabetes front as I promised my brother Chris over two years ago......  I never looked back Chris, never looked back.   No medicine,  no issues.    Keto and Sugar free strong.    and Now that i am working the 2p to 10 p  shift 3 days a week...... able to again walk/hike on a regular basis.  For those that asked when i would start to blog again......  maybe  I will now :) 

  
 

Living..... in Peace and Sadness

it has been a while since I posted,  I guess I can say my life has been status quo.   I am weeks away from the 1 year anniversary of Old Bills death.  it will only be two months since Scott died. and I notice that I have been missing Old Bill a lot lately.   I don't mind where I am in my life, and frankly I am happy being right here right now!!!!   I am really focusing on my health, and continue to feel better now than I did 20 years ago.....  I am on day 42 of not missing a Qigong session,  If you were to ask me if I am sad?  I would say No.  but if you were to ask me if i am through the roof happy,   I would say No.  but if you ask me if  am at peace, and do  I have joy in my heart.  I would say absolutely.    The world is crazy,  gas prices are through the roof,  so much mental illness and people struggling.  it is more important now than ever before to demand peace for myself. and to live for today and Trust that my tomorrow will be taken care of. .   There is a Qigong exercise that is "smiling from the heart" that i do daily .   Protect yourself from the negative energy out there,  don't let it destroy you.  demand your peace,  and keep the joy. but most importantly don't be the negative energy out there.  be kind to one another, even if you disagree........just be kind!!!  may you have a blessed week.  
 

Death~Grief~Life~Love

 I came home from a very healing time at the beach, to the Sparrow babies being born!!! its a blob of breathing down feathers.   I was worried that the mama, may be more protective now they hatched.  but she must trust me now, as she flew just far enough away to let me get in "MY" door,  how nice of her.  I limit my time in and out so i don't interrupt her too much.  it's too early to tell if all 5 hatched.

The week after Scott died, I had a couple days i couldn't shake it.... not grief,   I can do grief,  but it hit almost like I think depression would hit, it was that "emptiness" that i felt for a few days after Old Bill died.   you know i never even realized until my dear friend  brought this to my attention.  you know who you are and thank you.  In approx. 18 months time I lost 3 very important people in my life.  it wasn't like great aunt Ester that i saw twice when i was two years old......  these are people that were ingrained in my very heart and soul,   all so incredibly important, and all loved completely but in a different way!!!  My brother, who I have known my entire life, that shared my genetic makeup, Died suddenly and surprisingly in Sept, 30 2020.  Old Bill didn't even wait a full year,  He was an OLD soulmate of mine,  the entire time we were together, was in a way prepping for him to go home.   My great changes occurred during my time with him,  He was my best friend,  and my greatest gift.  I always said he was the Sun that stayed steady, so i could learn and grow as I revolved around him like the Earth does the sun.  He was old, and we knew his time was limited.  and this man that I have know for many years, suddenly our connection, our friendship started to slowly and gently turn into something pretty special,  I always loved Scott,  but it was exciting to see where this would have taken us....  we spent so much time in the last couple months, really getting to know each other,  we started to make plans, to go out and have some "old fashion fun" as he said .  But we will never know..  

All loved differently,  all grieving differently,  all in different stages of grief.  add that to the job I do, and the knowledge of how many people rely on my energy...  how many people in Crisis.  how many people i want to "fix and nurture"   and I knew I needed ME for a while.    This is truly the best place I have been in my entire life,  Mentally, Spiritually, Physically.   I am amazed how i am feeling,.   I have a lot of love and energy to give.  but now maybe I will make sure to "put the oxygen mask on me first" before i take care of others........ I think it will benefit us both.

Please be kind to one another,   and make sure you take care of you.

conversation with the Sparrow

  A week or so ago,  I notice dried grass on my door mat, thinking that the wind must have blown it there,  swept it up and thought nothing about it,  Easter Sunday coming back from Katie's ,   I noticed the grass back on my mat.  after some investigating I noticed what appeared to be a nest connected to my spring wreath ( I will show photos at the bottom of this post),  not as a separate entity, but as one connection,  my wreath, and the bird's nest.  This is my only way in my home it's not like I have another door.  I got my stepping stool to look into the nest and there was one egg (now 5)  the Momma Sparrow, flew about 3 feet away from me and gently scolded me, while perched on the railing.  What to do???  She and her partner worked so hard to make such a beautiful home for her offspring,  So i actually spoke with her..  (*yes my neighbors may think i am not right, )  and I told her we could make this work, but I would be using the door to go in and out of my home,  I told her I would be gentle while opening and closing the door knowing her babies will be there.  I told her she doesn't have to be fearful, and to continue what she was doing with the nest and one egg.  I asked her to please not air bomb me nor anyone else that comes to the door.  We have an understanding  now her and I,  When I leave my apartment i gently knock on the inside of the door to give her some warning that I will be opening it.  In the morning she usually just fly's to the railing 2  or 3 feet a way.  and she sits there and waits for me to leave,  I 'd like to think her gentle soft chirp is her telling me to have a nice day!  she isn't scolding me,   I've been scolded by her  before,  She is this beautiful Sparrow.   I'd like to think God sent her to me for some reason.   This sweet Bird came into my life the day my friend Scott died... so I like to think it's a message from above:   I guess a Sparrow symbolizes , Joy and Peace, Perseverance, Simplicity and Empowerment .....  Okay I will take that.

I am sad there is no mistaking it,  My best buddy Old Bill will be gone 9 months.   I lost my sweet dear friend Scott actually on Old Bill's Birthday.  I have had a few people private message me,  Did  I actually Love Scott?  and was he a "boyfriend"   Well of course I loved him,  he was easy to love, my entire family Loved him.   And I guess at my age (55)  what does the word "boyfriend" actually mean?  over the past few weeks, we shared our entire heart and soul with each other. he carried some issues with him, as we all carry ghosts of our pasts.   He asked me 3 weeks ago to be patient with him, as he was coming to the realization of a past issue, and he was hurting from it.   Yes I was falling for him, yes  I loved him, and yes we had made plans to see where the friendship would take Us.   I have so much faith and trust...... that he was to be in my life for an exact purpose, as I was in his life for the same.   I know of relationships that have been for 40 years,   but lacked honesty, commitment, friendship, and love.   and yes i knew Scott for years.....  but it was the last 5 months that we decided to see what happens.   I Thank God for those 5 months,  I thank God for allowing me to know Scotty inside and out, and I will not question why, or be angry why God took him home before we could even see what would happen  I miss him  so much, I can't stop thinking about him and my heart is broken.  but i continue to have that Peace and Joy that  I talk about often...... and by Grace I will be fine!!  today I cry...... and that is okay.

Please be Kind to one another,  enjoy today,  tomorrow isn't guaranteed!