Maiden Voyage ~~~~~~

and the Maiden Voyage is in the books...... and I will say it was absolutely a success.  When i went to pick up my camper, nobody was home.....and I actually hooked it up myself,  Chris came to get eggs and helped direct me to move the car up an inch so the ball would connect.....  I am so proud of my Subaru, she did an amazing job...... didn't even know I was pulling the camper,  I do have to learn how to adjust the electric brakes on the camper when i am driving......lets see,  the google directions missed the camping site by a mile or two,  I had to turn around while pulling. get to the camp sites and it is more primitive than most,  there was a shared electric box for our sites....  and no exact way to park,  while getting in the storage under the mattress for the electric cord to connect to the box,  I smashed my thumb ripped skin in three spots, including the lower nail bed,it did bleed a good bit......  and then let the fun begin.  I went with Chris and Larry, she surprised me with this a few weeks back.   They pretty much did their own thing, and just let me try things on my own.  they helped me put up the canopy as that takes two.  No sooner did we finish the basics of the camp site........and the rain began......... and it rained, and rained, and rained.  the first evening, a major thunderstorm.  it was so cozy to lay in the camper, watch the lightning, and listen to the rain on the metal roof, and the claps of thunder, it was the perfect first night.   up at 5 am made coffee, enjoyed the solitude, the cool mud that surrounded my feet.  listening to the birds slowly wake up,  and just being....  my mind needed this rest.  Just when I thought the rain would stay away......... it came again.  and sometimes with a force...  i had the absolute muddiest spot in the camp.... but i didn't mind that either.   Saturday the rain slowed down just enough for Larry to do the aged ribeye steaks Old Bill made for Us over the open fire,  along with baked potatoes foil wrapped and placed into the fire........ it was amazing, and of course as soon as we got the steaks completed....the rain started again, and it didn't stop until the next morning,  I crawled early into my little box turtle, I listened to an audible book, I listened to the rain, I listened to thunder..... and i cozily went to a wonderful sleep.   It was the perfect camping spot, the perfect weather,  and the company was perfect also..... they let me be,  they would stop over and check in , and i would go over there for a while.  but for the most part I was on my own.     maybe by the next trip i will have my graphics on,  but if not that is okay too.   I really like this camping thing....  instead of putting the photos on here,  I will post them separately on my Facebook page.   Have a blessed week, and find the time to take care of you!!!

I am really Struggling

 I am not used to feeling this way,  But it happens to the best of Us.  I am tired,  I am tired of giving my energy.  We all give and take energy... have you ever been around someone, and afterwards, you say..... "she sucked the life right out of me.  Or have you walked into a room with a group of people.... and made the comment " you could cut the tension with a knife".   We are Spirits, we are souls we are energy.  We all feel it even if we aren't aware of it.     

I have been a nurse for 32 years,  and in Psychiatry and addictions  for over 27 years.  and like i said in the past,   This is the worst that I have seen in terms of anxiety, depression, and addictions, mix this in with entitlement, and fear.........and we have a very bad situation.   People are scared, and need answers NOW,  however everyone thinks they should be first on the list...... when you have 20 to 30 patients to call.... How can everyone be first.   I triage all calls first thing in the morning....... obviously, crisis calls and suicide fear calls come first.  but as i am figuring out who to call first,  the messages keep coming in.... it doesn't stop,  each call takes time to "figure" out.  and during this time, the repeat callers are continuing to call 2, 3, and 4 more times.  It doesn't stop, the calls just don't stop.  and while i am doing this,  I still give Vivitrol shots.  do vitals and do UDS's on patients that need it..... and on top of that I see a small group of patients, almost like a counselor does, but more like a "Life Coach"     This is nobody's fault, it just Is what it Is...  my issue, which isn't a bad thing,  is i don't look at the calls as "numbers" or cases......... they are humans,  they are someone's mother, someone's child, someone's somebody.   and i want to give 100% to every beautiful soul.   even the ones that call a dozen times. are so anxious, it is the nature of their illness.  the addiction patients that are panicked because their medication isn't at the pharmacy on time....... to them it is a real fear, and prob scary as hell.  I get yelled at, and get nasty messages because i didn't answer them on my day off...... even so it is the nature of the beast called mental illness.     I just can't keep up anymore.... i noticed that I have 5 messages from Saturday on my nursing line.......... BUT i have to stop at some point.......   and   IT is what it IS!!!   This is mine to fix,  this is mine to let go.  and only I can know my limitations.

 7 years ago as many know, I started taking care of an elderly gentleman......... and since I have adopted him,  he is more like a father to me now.  but he isn't doing well,  I leave work and I come home to him,  it has been a bad week,  he has fallen a few times.  has gotten confused,  is calling me at 2 in the morning ( yes I am back in my own little apartment, within his apartment) thinking i am at work....  his lower legs look like raw hamburger,  i am cleaning them and dressing them when i am home.  I am tired. just tired

And this is why i need to take my little camper,  this is why i need nature,  this is why I need walks with God.... this is why i need to practice Qigong.   I need to build my energy up, so I can give it to others.  IF i do not take care of me...... I will not be able to do my life's calling.   Being a Nurse is not a career choice...... it is a calling.......... it is who i am , it is in my soul.    Both my elderly "patients" and my patients from work are NOT a burden.... they are gifts that teach me.... but dang i need to figure this out.

Please be kind to one another........ 

OH one more thing..........  I want to share with you the name of my camper........ it surprised me. and there is a story behind it.....  i will post that later...... But i do want to share with you what i found when i researched the meaning...... with this being said, you will see how this post and the name of my camper are connected.

Box Turtle Symbolism:

    When this symbol appears in your life, you must protect yourself from other people's dramas.  Those who drain your energy, and those that need more than they give.  Stay grounded, disengage from histrionics, and set your boundaries.  Retreat into your own space and refocus your efforts. 

the name of my camper is "  The Box Turtle....."