such a beautiful sadness

 it has been such a few weeks........I didn't blog or put it on facebook because it wasn't my story to tell,  and if it involves someone else, i will not post it unless I get permission....My daughter has given the go.

i just erased an entire blog post,  I just can't seem to do it...... I can't find the words.  so let me just do a simple version.

Katie, lost the two souls she has loved more than anything in 3 weeks time.  Her Dog Izzy, who was her best friend for 15 years and her Pappy Al,   first Izzy and then less than 3 weeks later her Pap.  

I had the honor to be with Izzy when she took her last breath.  and I have been humbled and honored to be apart of the Hospice process with Pap.  this man is the greatest man that  I have ever known. such a beautiful man.    and how lucky was I to be married into this family at one time.  Albert and I may have been divorced for 25 years, but there is no doubt that he is a good man, and has been an amazing father all of these years.  Pap has three sons,  three amazing sons, that all share a little of Pappy Al's soul within them  and the strength of Grandma is amazing.   I have been around many many people over the years when they have left this earth.......But in my 34 years I have never felt the love that surrounded this family throughout  the entire 48 hours he was in hospice.  it was truly such a sacred time.  and I thank God for allowing me to be present went this man left this earth......  i will never forget, never forget!!!

Katie loves her grandparents, even more than she loves her mom and dad... she always has, and I am more than okay with that.  but i am so proud of her, and how she handled such tragic times, and how she has found the positive and beauty in the process....    My boys feel the same.     during this time, I came to realize that although Albert and I have been divorced for 25 years......  we both must have done something right, to have the the three kids we do.......... Albert we did good.  :)   and I wouldn't change a second of my life with you.........it gave us Katie, Drew and Sam..     

Five months Later

I haven't blogged in almost forever,  I have been blogging for over 20 years and I miss it.   I needed to take time just for Me to process so much over the past year.  I would say it has been my best and most difficult Journey yet.  But this journey has also strengthened my Faith in a way that I can't even find the words to explain it!!!   My dearest old friend,  Bill has been gone for 15 months,  My sweet friend Scott has been gone almost 7 months. and basically the only career I have known for 28 + years came to an end one month ago on this day.   I am perpetually happy and optimistic, I know some people are so miserable that happy people annoy the shit out of them.  but i promise those people, that  I too suffer at times,  I am scared, lonely, anxious, sad...  (so take joy in that)  The one major, and probably the only component that gives me profound peace, is my Faith,  and the absolute knowledge that I do not walk this earth alone,  I am not religious, nor do I even go to a church,  haven't in two decades.  

I have known for at least six months, that God was leading me away from one of the best jobs I ever had,   I was a roller coaster of emotions, which never really happened to me before.  My coworkers and friends were a little concerned as they weren't used to seeing me so anxious and upset.   and in time I realized that the "conflicts" that were coming and the "issues" that were happening, absolutely needed to happen,  so i could fulfill God's Divine plan for me I was forced to leave my comfort zone,  not because of my employers nor because of a coworker....But God choosing  another direction for me.     

Before i got my new Job,   I was so nervous,  and anxious that "it" wouldn't happen,  I left the only income that I had,  and I stepped out in Total Trust, and Blind Faith,  ....  I never thought in a million years that I would end up working in a nursing home, let alone a Nursing home 2 miles from me, and a wage that is almost double what i was making before,  not necessarily to make more money, as it isn't about making more, but making "enough" so that i can live independently,  I have less hours now, less travel,  and what an incredible honor to be with souls as they are preparing to leave this earth sooner than later.....  A few weeks later,  I am again filled with incredible joy and peace.   I have become so humbled and Grateful....  yes my peace and joy has been restored...  

On the health/diabetes front as I promised my brother Chris over two years ago......  I never looked back Chris, never looked back.   No medicine,  no issues.    Keto and Sugar free strong.    and Now that i am working the 2p to 10 p  shift 3 days a week...... able to again walk/hike on a regular basis.  For those that asked when i would start to blog again......  maybe  I will now :)