Just a little sad!! dealing with a few things

Yesterday was two years since my dear old friend and mentor died.  funny the second year brought up more memories than the first year of his one year death mark.  I just know I really miss him.  But i also know that he left earth at the perfect time, and I wouldn't change a thing.  but even two years after Old Bills death,.......... i can still say he was my greatest gift and he changed me in such a profound way.  and my close friends will  attest to that 

Some folks think, because I am so positive and happy, that i must have had this perfect life.... I assure you I have not.  But in hindsight, as I have been looking back on my life.   it truly was the most difficult and dark moments that I would never change.   it was in these times i grew to understand a higher power,  I call him God, it was during these times that I learned to Trust and understand that every second of my life, made me me!!  I am not a religious person at all, and churches are not for me,  Its not that I believe in God,  its that I know as I know as I know!!! My relationship with God/Jesus isn't hurt by other forms of worship, but my relationship is enhanced by others,  those that lean toward Mother Earth,  Buddhism,  Muslim , Agnostics and Atheist   I will never push my faith, or think it's better........ all I am to do is live my faith and believe the good in all others..

I am such a work in progress that is for sure... I recently found out a person that hurt me as a child, and my family has recently died,........ it brought a tidal wave of memories and emotions and recently because of this has triggered some more feelings and memories.   I decided to not run away from this, or sweep it under the rug in my soul.  But to allow myself to feel this,  feel the hate, feel the desire to seek revenge etc.  I know this will take a moment.... but I am being with "it"  and there is no shame.  it's going on a month now, and i already feel my soul winning!!!  because you see,    it isn't given to Us, we must Choose.............  choose happiness,   choose peace,  choose forgiveness.......... you see I am selfish that way.   I am too important to me to allow negative thoughts and emotions control me.  

May peace be with you, and may you find the good in ALL things.

JUST ENOUGH

For about six weeks now, I have been working the hours that I originally wanted..  avg. 3 days a week.  Since I started in October, it seems like i worked fulltime and overtime several weeks.  Covid hit, and then nurses quit, etc.  So i filled in often.  Well our nursing home has been blessed with wonderful LPN and RN hires in the recent months.    I was asked two months ago if i would move my days around as to work it out with my coworkers.  I said yes, and I knew i'd make my schedule work, my weekend off is now the opposite,  and honestly I couldn't be happier with my new schedule.    

I know i keep saying this, but it's true. Right now I am the happiest I have ever been!  I technically have more days off than i do on.  again i choose to step out in Faith, and remind myself what really matters..   the extra money i was making these last 8 months has been really "nice" to have.   but is it worth it.?  with much soul searching, I didn't want to live to work,   i want to work to live.  I am pretty sure i can do it.  I've already had my 3rd or 4th paycheck working Part time  and i am doing fine.  I just "NEED ENOUGH"....enough to pay my bills,  have enough to help a friend or stranger out every now and then, enough to enjoy Camping, Kayaking, Hiking and Nature.  I do not NEED to buy from Amazon every week,  or buy things i do not need.   (*seriously who needs 25 water bottles and 20 totes)  and i may be under counting  ( Shut up Megan! LOL  :) 

I am 56 years old, and unless God has other plans that he isn't telling me,  I plan on staying at Scenery until I retire.    My Dad died at 52,  My mom at 58 and my brother Chris at 56.   I don't think i am dying, I feel amazing, I was one of the very few employees that did not get sick this fall/winter,  my legs and feet have since adjusted to the 10-13 thousand steps a shift and i feel no pain, even the knee i had surgery on.  But I have been surrounded by death, Including my "friend Scott last year" and it shows me how precious life is...  I trust that my future will be provided for, I do not need a man, or a job making lots of money..  I can take care of me.  and I know that my Faith will keep me in that profound peace that  I often talk about

What am i doing with the extra time,     making plans with past friends and coworkers that i had to put on the shelf,  enjoying my Qigong Classes and studies,  enjoying hiking again,  and of course Camping plans,  I would like to start blogging again, I have such a wonderful relationship with my Kids... Katie, Drew, and Sam that I am beyond blessed, and friends like Megan and Christina,  more time to bake and cook keto,  and more time to just Be and count my blessings

And Finally last but not least,  The joy i feel working where i do cannot be expressed,   the patients and co workers, and the administration,   they all make me want to go to work, and make me want to be the best Nurse i can be.    I am not looking through rose colored glasses.........  I see clearly, but i choose to see the incredible good in every single person.  I see team members that truly care about our residents....  my heart is light when i get ready for work... of course if i am needed here or there I will be there.  but i am going to be optimistic that I will not be needed as often.   

This is the best time in my life.........  and I am overwhelmed and humbled with Gratitude .... may Peace be yours in wherever  you're  at in your life 

So bad at this blogging thing

So my last post i think in January i promised myself and a few others that i would post more frequently!  Well how did that go? umm not well.  I am sitting here thinking why not.  after all i have been blogging for almost 25 years.  (* different blogs )   Sometimes i worry about offending someone,  you will always offend someone!   sometimes i am worried because I have so much joy in my heart.........after all so many miserable people dislike Happy people.  Sometimes my thoughts are repetitive, for instance I feel strongly about creating ones own peace.   

I want you to understand my life is not perfect, not even close, I suffered growing up with alcoholism, and divorce, death. insecurity, co dependence, abuse, loss, loneliness.....  and such insecurities. that for a good part of my life,  I allowed these things to control my emotions, my peace, my hopes and dreams.   

Spending several years with Dr Chaudhary and learning his lessons were truly the beginning for Me!!!   and somehow i always trust my Faith to walk me through My Journey....and then i got Older,  yes age and life's lessons have finally caught up with me,    and with this age progression thingy,  I have found Profound peace and Wisdom.

Sometimes I have to reboot,  and back away,  I feel like the Actor in the Green Mile and his famous quote " ... Mostly I am tired of people being ugly to each other,  I am tired of all the pain I feel and hear in this world..."       My favorite place to reboot is camping,  being outdoors on the trails, being away from people and being with God and Nature.,  ahhh my first weekend can't come soon enough!!

I just wish we could be kind to each other,   not so much as to being kind to people we love or think similar thoughts with ............. BUT be kind to those that you do not agree with, or dislike,  or have different thoughts that you.   please understand, we are all broken,  and that person you hate so much is broken too........  we just don't always see the wounds but trust me they are there. And don't let things you have no control over ....control your peace.!!!

Today I choose to enjoy my JOURNEY, and protect my Peace.  have a wonderful day and be KIND!!!

Perspective

This photo shows what silence looks like. Depending on your perspective,   It is either peaceful or depressive!!

I have enjoyed my two days off.  I go back tomorrow but I don’t mind and I am looking forward to it. 

I didn’t realize I am building stamina with my new job,  I mean how many years was I at a desk job? 18??  Today Katie and I went for a walk before she left for work.   And I couldn’t get my heart rate up and I just felt good.  When I had my office job I was lucky to hit 3000 steps.  And now it’s rare if I don’t hit 10,000 to 12,000. 

My apartment is my sanctuary, and 16 months later I still get so excited coming home to it …. Hope that sticks with me.   Today I am really missing Scott,  he died 9 months next week.  Oh what could have been.   Such a good man gone too early.   It’s rare that I feel lonely. But I did today and that is okay.  It wasn’t a punch in the gut lonely. It didn’t throw me into the depths of despair…..just a gentle sadness missing a special friend.    Tomorrow will be a new day.      Please be kind to one another   You just never know what that person is going through    Blessings 

 

Adjustments;

Last year was such an adjustment for me to say the least, but Change doesn't mean bad.... and sometimes at these moments, perceived bad things happen!!  not because the Universe is out to get you, but sometimes as humans we need help with the sharp turns that ultimately change our direction.  it is totally up to us to decide to see the beauty in the new path,  or decided to be victimized by the unknown road,   I wish i had this "wisdom" that comes with age when I was in my twenties, but  I guess it doesn't work that way.  Because i wasted too much time "feeling sorry for myself.    My year started with losing a very dear friend,  Scott, and ending with losing the greatest man I ever knew, My father in law Al,  (just can't put X in front of his name)  Watching my kids and the family let Pappy Al go with so much love and dignity, I am so proud of that family every single one,   This world is not the same with out Pappy Al, but his legacy lives on with his Boys and his Grandchildren, they all carry apart of his Kindness and Love.    

A few years back when S'eclairer was taken over by Journey. I really thought this was where  I would retire from.  And i embraced the job, and so enjoyed my patients... small uncomfortable things started happening during the beginning of 2022,  and  I can remember feeling uneasy, but talking myself out of it....  but i was a roller coaster of emotions.   I sat back and watched a few things happen, but said nothing, but I knew...it was a feeling I could not shake.   it really had nothing to do with an individual person, actually truly nobody else has power over my destiny, I trust God and my Faith so much  I do not question, blame or find answers.   In October of 2022 I left this job in blind faith....  let me tell you, this was very scary for me, and I shed a lot of  tears, leaving Journey, My friends, my Patients..... and here I am working in a Nursing Home,  I can't even express how happy  I am with this move...  I am so Happy and and Peace that I truly don't have words to explain,    Is it hard work?  Hell yes,  as anywhere else is there drama? yup.   at first did my feet and legs absolutely kill me?   yes again.   but none of this matters.  dancing in the hallway with a patient,  watching the patients face light up when they are handing out Halloween treats to the kids,  having the patients call you by name after only a couple shifts working,  holding the hand of an  Alzheimer's patient when they are so scared and they calm down.   it is such an incredible honor to be able to care for these beautiful souls that are coming to the end of their time on earth.....  this job makes me happy.  Not to mention that I fill my gas tank up once a month now,  i do not dread going to work,  my feet have adjusted very well, yesterday I did my first 12 hour shift,  I was worried this would have killed me, I mean I am not a young chick anymore,  but i had no problem ... i am sure i couldn't do too many though. 

If someone would ask me today,   look back on your life.......... what would you say was the best part of your life????   I would say it is Today, it is right NOW!!!!   and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.  I waste no time in Regret of the past,  and I spend no time Wish what can be in my future.  

May 2023 be filled with Peace and Grace.   May my friends find Joy in their Today, their NOW!!!!!
 

such a beautiful sadness

 it has been such a few weeks........I didn't blog or put it on facebook because it wasn't my story to tell,  and if it involves someone else, i will not post it unless I get permission....My daughter has given the go.

i just erased an entire blog post,  I just can't seem to do it...... I can't find the words.  so let me just do a simple version.

Katie, lost the two souls she has loved more than anything in 3 weeks time.  Her Dog Izzy, who was her best friend for 15 years and her Pappy Al,   first Izzy and then less than 3 weeks later her Pap.  

I had the honor to be with Izzy when she took her last breath.  and I have been humbled and honored to be apart of the Hospice process with Pap.  this man is the greatest man that  I have ever known. such a beautiful man.    and how lucky was I to be married into this family at one time.  Albert and I may have been divorced for 25 years, but there is no doubt that he is a good man, and has been an amazing father all of these years.  Pap has three sons,  three amazing sons, that all share a little of Pappy Al's soul within them  and the strength of Grandma is amazing.   I have been around many many people over the years when they have left this earth.......But in my 34 years I have never felt the love that surrounded this family throughout  the entire 48 hours he was in hospice.  it was truly such a sacred time.  and I thank God for allowing me to be present went this man left this earth......  i will never forget, never forget!!!

Katie loves her grandparents, even more than she loves her mom and dad... she always has, and I am more than okay with that.  but i am so proud of her, and how she handled such tragic times, and how she has found the positive and beauty in the process....    My boys feel the same.     during this time, I came to realize that although Albert and I have been divorced for 25 years......  we both must have done something right, to have the the three kids we do.......... Albert we did good.  :)   and I wouldn't change a second of my life with you.........it gave us Katie, Drew and Sam..     

Five months Later

I haven't blogged in almost forever,  I have been blogging for over 20 years and I miss it.   I needed to take time just for Me to process so much over the past year.  I would say it has been my best and most difficult Journey yet.  But this journey has also strengthened my Faith in a way that I can't even find the words to explain it!!!   My dearest old friend,  Bill has been gone for 15 months,  My sweet friend Scott has been gone almost 7 months. and basically the only career I have known for 28 + years came to an end one month ago on this day.   I am perpetually happy and optimistic, I know some people are so miserable that happy people annoy the shit out of them.  but i promise those people, that  I too suffer at times,  I am scared, lonely, anxious, sad...  (so take joy in that)  The one major, and probably the only component that gives me profound peace, is my Faith,  and the absolute knowledge that I do not walk this earth alone,  I am not religious, nor do I even go to a church,  haven't in two decades.  

I have known for at least six months, that God was leading me away from one of the best jobs I ever had,   I was a roller coaster of emotions, which never really happened to me before.  My coworkers and friends were a little concerned as they weren't used to seeing me so anxious and upset.   and in time I realized that the "conflicts" that were coming and the "issues" that were happening, absolutely needed to happen,  so i could fulfill God's Divine plan for me I was forced to leave my comfort zone,  not because of my employers nor because of a coworker....But God choosing  another direction for me.     

Before i got my new Job,   I was so nervous,  and anxious that "it" wouldn't happen,  I left the only income that I had,  and I stepped out in Total Trust, and Blind Faith,  ....  I never thought in a million years that I would end up working in a nursing home, let alone a Nursing home 2 miles from me, and a wage that is almost double what i was making before,  not necessarily to make more money, as it isn't about making more, but making "enough" so that i can live independently,  I have less hours now, less travel,  and what an incredible honor to be with souls as they are preparing to leave this earth sooner than later.....  A few weeks later,  I am again filled with incredible joy and peace.   I have become so humbled and Grateful....  yes my peace and joy has been restored...  

On the health/diabetes front as I promised my brother Chris over two years ago......  I never looked back Chris, never looked back.   No medicine,  no issues.    Keto and Sugar free strong.    and Now that i am working the 2p to 10 p  shift 3 days a week...... able to again walk/hike on a regular basis.  For those that asked when i would start to blog again......  maybe  I will now :)